Survivor: The Amazon - Episode 12 Summary

'Male Anatomy 101' By Superman

It’s always nice to have a theme for a summary, y’know? Something to tie it all together in a neat little package. Something that brings the laughs and the head nodding. Something, anything, but before tonight’s episode aired, I admittedly had nothing..

Previously, on Survivor…

The Alliance of 4 (Jenna & Heidi) flip flopped, much to the approval of the male 18-25 demographic.
Matt won reward.
Jena won immunity, but gave it away.
And the bell tolled for Christy, though someone had to poke her in the arm to let her know.

Jacare

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The show doesn’t begin as manly as the title may suggest. Jenna complains of throat pain while Rob lies about being honest. He tells Heidi that she’s going next and Heidi seems cool with that. Rob eloquently states how much easier the game is when you’re honest by stating, “Heidi’s cool with it”.

But then…

the theme took form. The theme that I yearned for all along. The theme that would make everything fall into place. The planets aligned, the gods sang, and the dead all rolled over in their graves. The theme that all began with one simple camera shot: A monkey scratching his crotch.

Let the penile reference-fest begin!

Now, you might be saying, “Supes, we’ve read your writing before, are you really going to work blue?”

Well…yeah.

Here comes Butch & Rob sporting wood. I could go on, but the dialogue speaks for itself.

Rob: Girls, I got wood that’ll keep you burning for three days.

Jenna suddenly realizes why her throat hurts.

Rob: This is the best wood you’ve ever had!

Jenna: I’ve already had, like, eight pounds of wood already and that’s the biggest log I’ve ever seen.

Rob (confessional): Butch is obsessed with his wood.

Butch (touching his wood): It’s kind of dry.

Rob: Need some lotion?

Butch: Nah.

Rob: You love your wood, eh Butch?

Butch: I guess I’m just a wood crazy nut.

So the dialogue is hilarious if taken in the right context. I didn’t even have to make it funny, it just came out that way. But then, things get a bit more steamy…
Butch: Don’t take too much at first.

Rob: Butch, your getting my good shirt dirty!

Butch: There aren’t any towels out here. You wanna be in charge of cleanup?

Rob (confessional): I don’t know when I became Butch’s wood bitch.

Wooooo! My face is crimson!

Butch proceeds to break out in the traditional mating dance of the Caucasian Bi-sexual Male School Principal (commonly seen in random school zoned night clubs on Fridays). The dance itself bears strikingly similarities to previous camera shots of: A monkey scratching his crotch.

The dance sends Rob, still reeling and sore form his previous encounter as Butch’s wood bitch, into a giggling fit normally seen only in young female Geometry teachers in random school zoned night clubs on Fridays. This let’s the Caucasian Bi-sexual Male School Principal (or CAU-BI-MA-SCHOO-PA for you Science whizzes out there) know that his mate is, once again, primed and ready. Cut to a shot of: A sloth scratching his crotch.

Tree-Male! (Is there any end to my wittiness? Let’s hope so.)

“To succeed in the future
Pull your head outta your ass, stat!
As with every reward challenge
This one belongs to Matt”

Butch: This being last reward challenge, we’re all anticipating a big, juicy reward. God, I hope it’s wood.

Everyone gets ready for reward challenge. Butch stokes the fire with his wood and falls into line, with no surprise, behind Rob.

Reward Challenge

Jeff: How’s everyone doing?

Jenna (whining): My throat hurts.

Rob blushes. And we’re off!

The R.C. is made up of several stages. First you must make your way out of a knotted up, closet type jail, then it’s a puzzle, on to the rope swing, a decoder ring, grab a key, climb a ladder, unlock and use a glider type thingy, grab yet another key and you’ll win a souped up Ford Pinto with a butt load of salmonella in the trunk.

Everyone runs to their respective cell-closet thing. Heidi and Jenna nearly burst through the other side! Heidi’s boobs get stuck in the railing, as does Jenna’s swollen glands. Butch is out of the closet first! (no surprise there.) He’s soon followed by Matt & Rob.

No! A brain type puzzle! With all of 6 pieces! This will surely thwart Butch’s chances, proving once again that those who can’t do are principals over those who can’t do and teach.

Rob finishes the puzzle and moves on to the rope swing. Matt trails him closely.

Rob reaches the cereal prize decoder ring, puts in on his finger and begins to twist it. He’s becoming frustrated…angry. Finally he shouts, “Damn you Captain Crunch!”

But Matthew is finished and moving on, as we all knew he would. And as only the tension in the pathetically worn out music track builds, Matt slides down the thingy and grabs the final key.

Yay Matt.

Matt runs to the Pinto, kicks the tire, and tries out the single most important feature on any car: The horn.

Jeff Probst, in his most sultry voice, asks Matt,

Jeff: So…who you wanna share your meat with?

Matt: I promised my meat to Rob way back in the beginning.

Matt & Rob embrace as Butch walks back to camp with Heidi & Jenna.

Butch: No worries girls, I’ve got a log back at camp with both your names on it.

Jenna: But, I’ve got a sore throat.

Butch: Nothing a little lovin’ won’t cure.

Back at Camp

I think we all knew that Uncle Cameraman has harbored ill will since the early Survivor series, as his “spoiler” was unveiled to be a fraud. He had no idea that Mark Burnett had sent him to a remote location to film imposter Survivor contestants and the hired the man’s nephew to pay him off to leak erroneous spoiler material to the masses. It had to be the embarrassment of a lifetime. Who would ever trust him to work in the competitive field of Reality TV camerapersons again? Only Mark Burnett. The same Mark Burnett that had ruined him, had kept him. Uncle Cameraman was happy that he could still work in the job he loved, but he still sought revenge for his slight.

Who knew that he, Uncle Cameraman, had convinced previous contestants to build their camp on a dry riverbed? Who knew that he, Uncle Cameraman, had fed all of one groups bananas to the monkeys? And who knew that he, Uncle Cameraman, would stoop so low as to steal the lighter fluid from the hibachi grill and douse an entire camp with it? Mark Burnett, that’s who.

God, how I love that zany Uncle Cameraman.

As the camp burns, Matt & Rob inspect the back seat of the Pinto and then they check out their meat.

Meanwhile, the camp burns, a cameraman chuckles, and an executive producer laughs menacingly. Even the monkey stops scratching his boys long enough to gaze a the flames.

Matt & Rob discuss wieners. Matt likes his dark. Rob just like lots of ‘em. Obviously.

Finally the fire burns out with still no sign on Butch, Jenna, or Heidi, leaving us all asking…Just how the heck far away was this reward challenge anyhow?

Butch is the first to notice as he exclaims: “Oh..poop.”

Heidi screams, “Oh…poop. My retainer!”

Jenna doesn’t notice until she flops her lazy ass down on some ashes.

Jenna: All my stuff is gone. All my stuff that can’t be replaced: My pledge crown, my jacket, my autographed 8x10 glossy of myself. I can’t replace that kind of stuff! Everyone’s stuff burned up except Heidi’s.

So…lemme get this straight. Heidi’s pack was the only one not to get burned up. Heidi’s pack that was underneath the shelter….with the extra wood. The extra wood, that supposedly started this fire…Just who’s Uncle is this cameraman?

Heidi: Most people would be happy that their stuff didn’t get burned up, but not me. I feel so guilty. I wish my stuff would’ve been burned up too.

Know what? Throw your stuff in the fire or shut the hell up. Dumb ass.

Butch: It’s not my fault. I’m disappointed, but it’s not my fault. *sigh* I can’t even think about wood right now.

Matt & Rob are back at the meat-fest.

Rob: What do you want first?

Matt: Wiener me, dude.

Rob: I love wieners. I need a plate.

Matt: Ouch! That’s my nipple!

Rob: Sorry. You have to admit, though, they’re the size of plates.

Matt: Man, we’ve helped each other so much to this point.

Rob: You are so right. I mean, you wouldn’t be here without me and I, well, I wouldn’t be here without me either.

Matt: That’s so deep man. (Non-sexual)

Matt kisses the car good-bye, puts on the parking break, and they stroll towards camp.

Back at Jacharred

Butch starts another fire.

Butch: You know who’s fault this is? Everybody. Or Nobody. Sure as hell ain’t mine.

Matt & Rob come back. Matt says something to the effect of, “Oh…poop.”

Butch: This ain’t my fault guys!

Rob (confessional): This is such a blow to me. And not a good blow, like a Jenna blow, either. This blow sucks….No, wait.

Matt (confessional): I believe in fate. (cameraman chuckles) I’m not one to point fingers, either. We don’t do that in this tribe. However, if I had a drawing…or perhaps an artist rendition of my finger pointing outwardly on a piece of paper, I’d have to fold that piece of paper carefully, sign it, and hand it to Butch.

Butch (confessional): God durn it y’all, it ain’t my fault!

Rob (confessional): I don’t believe in Conspiracy Theories. And I’m not one to point fingers. But, if I had a Conspiracy Theory that had something to do with my finger pointing to someone on a piece of paper, I’d have to fold that piece of paper carefully, sign it, and hand it to Butch.

On a side note, I’ve just realized that it’s been a few minutes since I’ve mentioned male genitalia. Sorry.

Cut to a shot of Heidi and Jenna sleeping together! Woo! If that doesn’t do something for male genitalia, I don’t know what will.

Matt, Rob, and Butch sport wood back to camp.

Heidi sits on her butt, which ironically, she supposedly worked off at some point or another.

Heidi and Jenna refuse to work, though they are grateful that the shelter is being built.

Matt: If I were Heidi or Jenna I would pitch in and help. I’d get up and help gather wood and build the shelter, if I were them. And then, I’d probably play with my boobs. Y’know..if I were them, that is.

Immunity Challenge!

Jeff Probst: What the hell did you do to the necklace?

Heidi: It got a little burned up in the fire.

Jeff: Christ. Can’t I have nice things? This is so coming out of your winnings.

Butch: Wasn’t my fault, I’ll tell ya that much.

(I’d like everyone to take note, at this point , that the large bone in the middle of the necklace was totally unscathed.)

Immunity challenge is a rope course. There’s another rope swing, a foot bridge, a disc (Yes, I said diSc) walk, a V tunnel, and a rope tunnel (which incidentally was drastically different from the V tunnel). The object is to do each, grab a feather and hang it on a…large pole.

This challenge was pretty boring with the exception of a very few high points:

1. Butch on a rope swing. (sing it with me now: Butch, Butch, Butch of the jungle strong as he can be…)

2. Both Heidi & Matt are exceptionally good on their knees.

Matt wins immunity.

I was especially distraught by the absence of penile references during the Immunity Challenge. Fortunately, I was saved by the next commercial break when they advertised that Hitler movie staring, Peter O’ toole.

Back at Camp

Don’t you just hate it when everything’s going along fine and then somebody just ahs to go and cry. All previous references in the above text shrivel with the sound of Jenna’s blubbering.

Heidi (confessional): Poor Jenna. First she’s sick and now I’m going to stab her in the back.

Rob: Anything I can do to help, Jenna?

Jenna: No. No one can help. It’s no one’s fault.

Butch: You got that right.

Rob (confessional): There are two good reasons to vote Jenna out: She’s whining and she’s sick. Unfortunately there are two good reasons not to vote her out and those are tucked safely in her shirt.

Tribal Council

Cut to shot of: Jeff Probst scratching his crotch.

Jeff: Let’s bring in the jury. Welcome Christy, our newest member of the jury.

Everyone comes in except Christy.

Jeff: Christy! Oh, Christy!

Christy comes out.

Christy: Sorry.

Jeff: Jeez..didn’t you hear me call your name?

Christy gives Jeff some sign language. I don’t know what it meant. One finger, pointed straight up.

Jeff: So what happened at camp, Butch?

Butch: Big ole fire. I don’t know what happened. Ain’t my fault, though.

Jeff: Matthew?

Matthew: We were drying some wood next to the fire. We had no idea that the wood would actually catch fire.

Dave shakes his head. I think this means that it DOES take a rocket scientist to figure that kind of thing out.

Jeff: Jenna? How YOU doin’?

Jenna: My throat hurts. I’m not eating enough stuff to heal.

Butch: I tried to help you out with that y’know.

Jeff: Heidi, do you deserve to be in the final two?

Taking a page out of Christy’s book, “How to Absolutely Fuck Over Your Chance to Win Survivor by Smugly Answering One of Jeff Probst’s Smarmy Questions at Tribal Council,” Heidi says the following:

Heidi: I deserve the final two. I mastermind ½ the plans we do day to day. The other 1/2 come from the now deceased Magic 8 ball. I’ve got three guys scared to death that I can beat them. That’s saying something.

Yes. It’s saying something. Something loud, stupid, and very badly timed.

Jeff: Matthew? What are you basing your vote on tonight?

Matthew: Umm…on what Heidi just said.

Time to vote!

No votes are shown. Rob gets to talk, though.

Rob: 2 girls, 1 brain, divide by 2...ummm..carry the 3...uhhh

Dave shrugs. Apparently math isn’t a strong point of rocket scientists.

Heidi is voted out, Rob cops one last feel.

Jeff: 3 Tribal Councils, 2 Immunity challenges, 1 Survivor.

*Cue Porno Music*

Jeff: Enjoy the long…wet…ride back to camp.

(Ooops…no penile reference at T.C. Ummm…Rob’s still a dick. How’s that?}

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