Survivor: The Amazon - Episode 8 Summary

'Insert Witty Title Here' By Draco Malfoy

Previously on Survivor… aw hell, the summary’s up, go find it yourself.

Theme: Ee ah oh ee ah…blah blah blah…

We join our somewhat merry band in a celebration of sorts. Actually, it’s a celebration of SHORTS. Roger was apparently SO convinced that he was sticking around he left his skivvies out to dry. Either that or they were just entirely too nasty and smelled like rotten vinegar or something. Dean, holding them like a dead fish, hangs them up on a tree to completely kill the Amazon ecosystem. 500 years from now, alien archaeologists will be exploring the Amazon and find Roger’s BVD’s dangling from a petrified tree and assume it was a flag or idol, and life forms from around the universe will know us as the underwear worshippers. Thanks a lot, Dean. Rob, never missing an opportunity to blow his own horn, plays air bugle. Geez, this guy’s not even dorky enough to play air guitar, he has to play air bugle.

Meanwhile, Principal Skinner and Professor Frink are at a loss at what to do now that their “alliance” got shafted. Frink tells us that “no one really knows what’s going on in this game.” Actually Rocket Boy, EVERYONE knows what’s going on in this game but the eggheads. Butch, by the way is the LEAST aptly named Survivor contestant ever. Robb was much more Butch. Jan was much more Butch. Erin was much more Butch. Hell, Heidi and Jenna are more Butch than Butch. So, like any good men, when the going gets tough, you BUILD THINGS! ARR ARR ARR! They decide to build a dock for the boat, because as Principal Skinner so astutely points out, “Once they’re wet, your feet are miserable.” Because the rest of the time, everything is just ducky. Skinner and Frink proceed to be MANLY and CHOP THINGS DOWN. And when a tree gets stuck up in another tree, Frink, ever the monkey boy, climbs up to chop it down. Meanwhile, the rest of Jokeray just looks and points. “Look at the silly monkey!” Finally, at the end of the day, their hard labors have resulted in… three logs sticking out into the water. Yeah. Great use of your time and energy, boys.

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In a confessional, Rob tells us how much he loves Frink. “He’s the smartest guy in the whole world. Mr. Adventure. Mr. Personality. All the girls want to be with him. A show-off. Arrogant. A threat.” Gee, think Robmassu got turned down in favor of the jocks in high school and was left at home with nothing but baked goods?

Ah yeah, now we get to the good part. The HORROR of the ABOMINABLE DR. MATTHEW and his CRAZED MACHETE OF DEATH. Or so the previews would have you believe. In actuality, it’s a little creepy, but since I’ve pegged Matthew as a serial killer from day one, it’s no surprise to me. Rob theorizes that Matthew is going to kill them after they vote him off. Now THAT would be good television. I’d never miss an episode of Survivor again. “Honey, do we really have to watch Survivor?” “Yeah honey, someone might die again this week! This’ll be AWESOME!” But no one died. No one even got sliced like Alex did a while back. All we got was a nice shot of a scab on Matthew’s leg. And that’s not cool. That’s just icky.

Suddenly, without warning we’re at reward challenge. I guess they finally realized that, for the most part, tree mail sucks. And, just to maximize the horny guy ratings (hereafter known as the Rob Factor ), we combine mud wrestling with bondage. Nice. We end up with teams of three: 5 Boobs (Heidi, Jenna, and Matthew), the Real Men (Alex, Frink, and Dean), and Just Happy To Be Here (Rob, Skinner, and Christy). Everyone gets really nasty and dirty, but there was never any real contest here. The Real Men win the first round, and Frink takes the second round. Because of course, since you’re the biggest immunity threat out there, you want to win as many challenges as possible to prove that fact. Frink chooses Dean, much to the chagrin of the producers, who I know were hoping that Heidi and Jenna would win the reward and, um, bathe each other.

Frink and Dean spend a lovely afternoon eating melty ice cream and taking lukewarm baths. Frink finally comes to the conclusion that it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that he is officially “f*cked”. Dean tries to comfort the professor, saying that she will try to keep him around longer. Luckily for her, there’s a curtain between them so he doesn’t see her fingers crossed behind her back.

Meanwhile, Rob is joining the cameramen in a lovely game of “Peeping Tom”. He reveals to us that Heidi and Jenna are affectionally known as “Sticks and Twigs”, which is really appropriate considering that’s about all that’s left of them at this point. After a few moments of loving glances at Heidi’s bikini bottom sagging off of what’s left of her butt, Rob goes off to find some warm apple pie.

Later that night, Dean and Frink return to camp, all clean and stuff. They promptly say that they’re hungry, which of course ticks off the rest of the tribe, who didn’t even get ice cream. All they had was fish and corn tortillas. Even later that night, Rob wakes up to find Frink grinding against Heidi. If you listen real closely, you can hear Ted weeping off in the night.

The next morning, we get lots of scalp shots as Rob lets us know that bugs are starting to swarm around people’s hair. Thanks for the tip. This is our “Survivor really is miserable” moment that we have to get one of an episode, at least. Rob and Matthew von Lecter make their way into the forest. Um, Rob, didn’t the movies teach you to NEVER go into the woods alone with a serial killer? He convinces Matthew that he’s going to take him with him all the way. Hint, Reality TV Boy: DON’T LIE TO THE GUY WITH THE REALLY SHARP KNIVES.

Tree mail time! UPS dropped off a bunch of crates for the tribe. And I do mean dropped, they look like they’ve been broken. Inside the crates are a series of masks, one for each tribe member, and they have to decorate them to represent them. Skinner’s already has glasses. Oddly enough, Christy’s doesn’t have hearing aids. DISCRIMINATION I tell you! Heidi’s is already a perfect likeness without any additional work. When arts and crafts time is over, we head off to the immunity challenge. It’s simple enough, you get three chops and then we cut to SPEAR-CAM and your mask is smashed. The women just kind of stand by and smile knowingly as the men Pagong themselves. Finally, the women are forced to chop each other’s coconuts… oops, I mean cut each other’s ropes, and in the end, Sticks wins immunity.

Back at the camp as we prepare for tribal council, Matthew prepares to eat his shoes with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Meanwhile Professor Frink is making a last ditch effort to sway the other tribe members to vote off the Psycho. Heidi doesn’t even have to courage to lie to his face, looking away while saying that, “Oh yeah, I’d rather Matt goes than you.”

Tribal Council time. I kinda doze off. It’s late. I wake up in time to see Christy casting a vote, which is proof that she actually was in this episode. To make a long story short (too late), everyone lied to Frink, even Skinner, and voted him off unanimously. Frink votes for Matthew. For his sake, he better hope that Matthew is in the final 2, otherwise, he’ll hunt Frink down at Jury Lodge and make a dress out of him.

Final Boo-Yah Count: 1,000,006.

Page Index: 1

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