Survivor: Thailand - Episode 4 Summary

'Survivor For Dummies' By drawde236

I'm sitting here absolutely perplexed. I had originally planned to write this in a self help book format on Survivor For Dummies. The only problem is the that with the season going the way it is, we are the true dummies for putting up with this drivel week after week. So, I guess I will just go through with this as it happened.

Previously on Survivor, Ted explored, Ghandia roared, and the audience was bored.

We open the show with Suck Job returning from their first Tribal Council. They decided to delegate Jed to the Loser's Lounge. Robb, the intellectual one of the group, decides to ask if everyone is happy with their decision. Never mind the fact that he, along with the rest of the Slacker alliance, voted for Shii Ann. Robb was also surprised not to hear his name called out. I was more surprised to hear him use a word with more than one syllable. Please don't get me wrong, Robb is not a stupid man, he graduated in the top 98% of his class at Keanu Reeves High School, but I doubt they get Survivor in Arizona. I don't think he has ever watched the show. Why else would you paint a target on your back by saying that you were surprised you didn't get votes? Be careful what you wish for, Robb.

Also at Suck Job, Stephanie is really bummed that her Slacker bud, Jed, got voted off. She shows her contempt for her tribe by storming off and picking up carcasses of things either washed ashore or strategically placed by Mark Burnett. The other kids cannot figure out this misfit. I realize how difficult it is for her. I was once her age and I know how difficult it was for me to fit in with the cool girls in High School (especially since I am a guy), but sitting in the shade is not going to help the wallflower bloom. Offer to braid someone's hair or share your Grandmother's recipe for fly infested squid. At least pretend to try to fit in. Please don't get me wrong, Stephanie is not a stupid woman. She graduated in the top 98% of her class at Ellen DeGeneres High School, but I doubt they get Survivor in Arkansas. I doubt she has never watched the show. Why else would you want to paint a target on your back by alienating yourself from your tribe?

ADVERTISEMENT

Meanwhile, over at Chewing Gum, CBS has pulled the same stunt they used on Big Brother 3 and brought in a rock singer. Instead of Sheryl Crow, all Survivor can afford is Peter Frampton and male menopause has not been kind to Peter. He looks rough. Wait a minute, that's not Peter Frampton it's Jan with her hair down. Silly me, but menopause hasn't been kind to her either. Gabe, if you are reading this, I hate to break this to you. Moisturize daily, or that is you in 20 years. Jan is upset that the happy harmony has been broken by the whole Ted and Ghandia incident. Ghandia explains that if Chewing Gum was a body, then she would be the arm that got bitten off by a shark. Let's explore this analogy a bit further, shall we?

Chewing Gum--The body

Jan represents the shoulder. She is good to lean on, but can get stressed if too much weight is put on it.

Helen represents the ear. She will listen to your problems without giving her opinion.

Ghandia represents the bit off arm. You can live with one arm.

Ted represents the thigh. He is strong, but can get into knots if pulled the wrong way.

Brian represents the other thigh. He too is strong, and works well with the other thigh. When the other thigh gets knotted up, he will carry the weight.

Clay represents the rectum. Everything that comes out of him is waste.

To conclude, the body called Chewing Gum is walking around with no head and has too many parts near the asshole.

Ghandia cannot figure out Ted. He won't talk to her or even acknowledge her. I guess she forgot that she told everyone that Ted had her way with her, but left out the fact that he apologized. She sits around the cave and turns in Oprandia. According to Oprandia, there is "so much love in the cave. You just feel all the love oozing out of the pores of the cave. Love, love, love, love, love everywhere. These six self sacrificing people commune together in this cave, it's just a big love fest. Even when people don't talk to you, they show you that they love you. "Cause they are trying to teach you a lesson. And that's love to me." First of all, Ghandia, that's bat poop, not love, oozing out of the pores of the cave. Second of all, sarcasm will get you nowhere. Please don't get me wrong, Ghandia is not a stupid woman. She graduated in the top 98% of her class at Bob Marley High School, but I doubt they get Survivor in Colorado. I don't think she has ever watched the show. Why else would you paint a big target on your back by continuing to add tension to an already tense group?

It seems heleN has worked for the Rape Crisis Center. She has proven to us over the past few weeks that she is compassionate enough to handle emotionally battered women. She believes Ghandia's story and doubts Ted. She knows that the guys will believe Ted and the women will believe Ghandia. This, in heleN's eyes, creates a division of the sexes. This is why she is such a smart woman. She wonders if Ted was misled by Ghandia's openness. As she is saying this, we are fortunate enough to get a blurred out shot of Ghandia naked. All across the world, men are screaming. As a gay man, it should have led me straight to therapy, but for some reason it didn't bother me as much. Probably because it reminded me of that famous Bigfoot film footage.

Clay has found a dummy. If someone had told me this without actually seeing the episode, I would have thought it was a test Jane Goodall had planted. It seems Jane has left the chimps behind and is now studing a lower life form--Survivor Contestants. I figured she put a mirror out. Clay looked into the mirror and ran and told everyone he saw a dummy. This wasn't the case. Mark Burnett actually placed a 200 pound dummy with a banana and a really bad poem.

He's kind of big and lazy.
He'll lay around all day
If he's gonna get things done,
You shouldn't name him Clay.

The newest member of the tribe
In the next challenge, he'll compete
Dress him up, give him a name
He'll help in Chewing Gum's defeat

Clay tells Ted that the dummy is the size of his ass. Ted looks at him in doubt since nothing could be that big.

Both tribes are shown dragging their dummies to camp. Chewing Gum decides to ignore the instructions on the treemail and make their's female. Suck Job's dummy is male, but Stephanie, the People Person, does it all it alone. What I find interesting is that Suck Job's dummy looks like Robb and Chewing Gum's looks like Ghandia. Both tribes have to have to carry their dummy across the island. Since Clay and Stephanie are still in the game, both teams are evenly matched since they are both used to carrying dead weight, but in the end Suck Job wins. Their reward? Lots and lots of nature's laxative, the banana. They get hundreds of bananas and a special reward back at their camp.

After the reward challenge, Chewing Gum is upset. Brian, the hairiest man not named Bunky, feels that Ghandia losing her shoe and Jan being old was the real cause of their loss.

Meanwhile, back at Suck Job, Jane Goodall has delivered the bananas and she sits back and watches her new subjects. We get to witness a feeding frenzy the Discovery Channel could only wish to show. The bananas has prompted Robb to get in touch with his spiritual side. "We thank God for a most triumphant day. Dude, you rewarded us with nurishment that was most needed. Man, you rock. Amen" Stephanie says that she has gone from a 2 to a 6. I'm not sure if this is her energy level or where she is on the Kinsey scale. We also get to see the special reward that Suck Job has won. Once again a tribe is rewarded with 4 chickens and feed. Here are some direct quotes from the following sequence. I did not make these up and they are making my job too easy.

Robb; "We got chickens, dude. I've never had chicken before" That's right Robb, KFC stands for Kentucky Fried Beef.

Robb: "We were all super excited to see that we had chickens. It's like a food source that will never go bad." Kinda like Twinkies, eh, Robb?

Robb: "You had better not get any ideas and start cock-a-doodle-dooing at 3 am or you'll end up with a broken neck" Robb says this while pretending he is Dr. Dolittle (an appropriate surname, if I do say so myself) and actually clucks at the chickens. One of the chickens responds by putting it's neck through a hole in the basket and tries to strangle itself. Smart bird.

I am now convinced that the entire Suck Job tribe has never watched Survivor. If they had watched Survivor then they would have known the Chicken success rate. Let's recap.

Survivor 1--Chickens rewarded. Chickens eaten by monitor lizard.

Survivor 2--Chickens rewarded. Fate unknown. Vegetarian Kimmi ultimately sacrificed for the chickens.

Survivor 3--Chickens once again rewarded. Kept Chickens around for egg laying purposes. One egg found. Once chicken known eaten (but they could have called out for Church's), but the rooster survived at least a couple of episodes (heard crowing in background).

Survivor 4--No chickens harmed in the making of that season.

Let's use something that no Survivor contestant has ever used before--logic. You have won 4 chickens and feed. A bucket of chicken typically comes with 2 legs, 2 breasts, 2 legs and 2 wings. You have 8 pieces of meat and 7 people. Give both wings to one person and you have a source of protein for 4 days. This leaves the feed. What do chickens eat? Grain. Grind it up, add some water and you have a mush to sustain you. Will Suck Job do this? Doubtful. They will sit around wasting the grain on the chickens in the hope that an egg pops out. One egg for 7 people.

After the commercials, the soundtrack to Deliverance starts up and we are back at Chewing Gum, Jan, along with Marcia and Cindy are not happy that Greg, Peter, and Bobby are not helping with the chores. Not only will the girls tell Alice, but it's doubtul they will sing in the boys in the next talent show. The future of the Silver Platters is up in the air.

Brian wins the male chauvenist pig award by saying that women belong in the kitchen. heleN is beginning to scare me. Her grey hair is creating a skunk stripe at the top of her head and I cannot decide which is scarier, the fact that she is looking like Lily Munster or CoraBeth from the Waltons. She does utter the Disgusting Quote Of The Week;

heleN: "I've worked with guys long enough. Sometimes you gotta swallow some of that to survive." heleN, I would like to buy a vowel, an ewwwwwwwwwww.

Immunity time. The Survivors get to do tangrams. A tangram is using geometric shapes to create a picture. The first one is of fire. Ted and Clay solve the first one for Chewing Gum and Jake and Penny get it for Suck Job. Ken and Shii Ann step in for Suck Job to finish the second puzzle. Jan and Ghandia work on the puzzle for Chewing Gum. What the hell? Ghandia is working on another puzzle? Which idiot allowed her to do this? I hope this is Chewing Gum's way of throwing a challenge, because she screwed up the earlier puzzle challenge. Sure enough, Mensa member Shii Ann figures out the puzzle first for Suck Job and Chewing Gum is off to tribal council.

Ghandia has something up her sleeve. She wants to form a Powerpuff Girl alliance and push the tie between Clay and Ghandia. Jan likes the idea. She feels that Clay has torn the team apart. Please don't get me wrong, Jan is not a stupid woman. She graduated in the top 98% of her class at Hillbilly Hi Skool, but I don't think they get Survivor in Florida. I doubt she has ever watched the show. Why else would you push for a tie and unleash the dreaded Purple Rock of Doom? Look at what it did to poor Paschal, it got him stoned. A tie does not guarantee your safety, my dear.

Ghandia tells her Powerpuff Girl alliance to Buttercup, er heleN. heleN nods yes, but in confessional she agrees that she hates Clay, but isn't sure what to do strategically.

At tribal council, Jiffy Probe asks the usual crap questions and the tribe votes.

Ted votes for G. I guess he couldn't spell Ghandia

Jan votes for Clay.

Clay votes for...what the hell does that say? Even my Hick to English dictionary can translate that.

Brian votes for "Ghadia". I guess he's the type that goes to Burger King and asks for the picture menu.

Ghandia votes for Clay.

heleN's vote is not shown,

Jiffy: Time to tally the votes....First vote, Ghandia. Second vote, Clay. Ghandia. Clay. That's two votes for Ghandia and two for Clay."

Jiffy grabs the next vote, "for the first time, I have a vote I have no idea who it goes to. Which of you morons wrote "bye, bye Denver diva?"

Clay raises his hand and says it's for Ghandia.

Jiffy: "You ignorant hick, next time write a damn name. Final vote, Ghandia. Please bring me your torch."

Wait a minute. Could it be that a Survivor contestant actually used strategy? heleN voted for Ghandia. Perhaps she is becoming the head on the Chewing Gum body.

Next on Survivor, Robb pulls a John and gets stung by something. No one wants to pee on him and he dies an agonizing death. Chewing Gum loses something big. Duh, you just voted off Ghandia, get over it. And both tribes are offered another overhyped Mark Burnett twist.

Page Index: 1

Discuss This Summary