Survivor: Thailand - Episode 13 Summary

'For God's Sake, Jump the Shark!' By SherpaDave

At the beginning of the season, it seemed like a match made in heaven:

“Sherps, in this installment of Survivor, a former porn star is going to win the whole thing. You want to write the summary for the finale?”

“Um, let me think about this. Duh. Yeah?”

But did we get an interesting retiree from the porn industry? A Seka perhaps? No. We get Brian Heidik, the dullest survivor ever. Seriously, what kind of porn star is this guy? When others attempted to make a case for the sexiness of Fixodent, was he banging his trophy wife into the sand like a happy bunny? NO! He was telling her that he had a plan! What?! How is this even possible? Sigh. Alas, I no longer have the excuse of a company holiday party (Friday) or my son’s fourth birthday party (Saturday) as a viable excuse not to write this thing. So here we go.

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Previously, on Survivor:

As Landru would say (while quoting “Mars Attacks” primarily for the amusement of our beloved Sir): brak brak brak brak brak. How’s about we do this instead?

Previously, on SurvivorBlows:

Before the season even begins, a poster on another site by the moniker of G’Diva decides to give away almost the entire show. Is she really Ghandia, one of the contestants? Why, yes! She is! And so, before the season even starts, most of the episodes are rendered irrelevant.

Shakes the Clown, in one of his best spoils ever, realizes early on just how bad this show is going to be, and fakes ineptitude at spoiling an episode with the promise that if he’s wrong, he’s done spoiling for the season. He intentionally muffs his pick and has the luxury of an excuse not to watch the rest of the (you know what’s coming) Worst. Survivor. Ever.

Meanwhile, those left behind find nothing of interest on the show and call each other lemmings for following Paratrooper’s picks (which, to be fair, are just rehashes of G’Diva, aren’t they?) religiously every week. Names are called, bedlam ensues, and eventually it spills over into the far more competitive weekly NFL pool, where SurvivinDawg is convinced that a tie is the same thing as a loss and should be treated accordingly. Everyone else, who is convinced that a tie is the same thing as a win, shouts him down. I_Am_He makes sense of it all by picking all ties two weeks later. (What does all this have to do with the show? Not a damned thing, but it IS more interesting.)

Unfortunately, with all the ocean around, there doesn’t seem to be a shark in site on the actual show (unless you count the aforementioned porn star, but such a description makes him sound… well… interesting), so we’re left to pray in vain for an Arthur Fonzarelli moment that never comes. Sigh. At least the summaries were entertaining.

And now, the actual stinkin’ show!

I think Mr. Krabs (and true, by extension) summed it up best when he said, "I smell the smelly smell of something that smells smelly." There were precious few moments in this episode that were of any entertainment value at all (at least until the happily vitriolic final Tribal Council, so I promise I’ll get to that as quickly as possible). The two-hour finales are always a testament to Einstein and his realization that time slows down near black holes, and this one was certainly no exception. But we’ll see what we can do.

At the beginning of the show, brak brak brak brak (damn, it’s easy to slip into that; sorry). Okay, at the beginning of the show, the porn star and his three remaining sacrifices discuss the ghosts of Tribal Council past, i.e., one Baron Samedi from “Live and Let Die.” Fortunately for the tribe, snakes didn’t ooze out of his head when they killed him off. While you might think that would’ve made for interesting TV, you’d be wrong, because immediately afterward, we’d have been subjected to watching Jan’s funerals for all the snakes they’d have been forced to kill. (Really, I HAVE to make up stuff like this, because otherwise, all I’d have to report is Jan saying the game is getting stressful.)

Mercifully quickly, it’s time for the first Immunity Challenge. You know what would be a really good Immunity Challenge? They should line the final four up and shoot at ‘em. Now, THAT’S immunity. But no. It’s recycling day in Thailand, so it’s time for the obstacle course of previous challenges. Yawn. This is so completely expected that only Clay can’t figure out what it is on reading the tree mail:

Brian: Well, that’s obvious.
Jan: Yep.
Helen: Yeah.
Clay: Huh? You mean I finally get to slap Brian’s wife’s ass while y’all watch?

There’s little to report about the challenge except for its conclusion. Faced with eating a boiled spider, Brian looks behind him to see if either Clay or Jan are anywhere near the end of the course, so that one of them can eat the arachnid and still allow for him to vote off Helen. Unfortunately, it will take most of the two hours allotted for either of them to get there. In the only moment in the entire season that even hints at Brian’s past, he realizes that he’s had far worse things in his mouth and eats the damned spider. Five point to those in the Yahoo Pick ’Em League who chose Brian to win immunity, ensuring that Sheila edges me out in the final standings by, you guessed it, five points. Grrrr. (And congratulations to Katem, who stuck by his Paratrooper lemming guns all season to clobber the rest of us.)

Back at camp, Brian talks about the challenge. “Teacher says that every time the sky thunders, an angel gets his wings. Atta boy, Clarence!”

Well, it’s decision time, and apparently Jan thinks coming in third is really great because it’s been years since she’s come at all (okay, yeah, I know that was low and totally outside the bounds of PG-13; I’m desperate for material here). Off they go to Tribal Council where Helen is the next sacrifice. Ooh, you can just see that the final TC is gonna be a good one. You thought the look she gave her husband was bad? Hoo-ah! I think if they HAD shot at the contestants for the IC, bullets might’ve bounced off her face. In her exit interview, she tells the remaining three to “Break a leg. And I mean it.” God, I love her. I don’t even have to rewrite that and it’s funny.

Back at camp, there are more flowers and a new toilet seat to adorn for Helen. Jan cries and buries something else. I’m thinking her back yard at home must be like a litter box. On the dawn of the next day, Jiffy sets them off on the water (shark! please!) and we finally get to a juicy part of the summary. Why? Well, not because anything interesting was shown as they dropped the death wreaths in the water, but because we’re going to remember the fallen 13 with the words of previous summary writers. Whee!

John (courtesy of landruajm, ep1): His back-home shot features him in a dark, churchly looking suit, holding a large book of some sort, in front of…a lit set featuring a pair of bongo drums? What the fvcking fvck? What is he, a pastor in the First Church of Desi Arnaz?

Tanya (courtesy of Bebo, ep2): This was a real nice clambake
So far we're really lame
The vittles we et
Made Tanya sweat
And she's purging yet again...

Jed (courtesy of HawkEye, ep3): Jed is lazy freaking lazy.

Ghandia (courtesy of drawde236, ep4): Please don't get me wrong, Ghandia is not a stupid woman. She graduated in the top 98% of her class at Bob Marley High School, but I doubt they get Survivor in Colorado.

Stephanie (courtesy of Silvergirl1, ep5): Stiff brings bananas. *insert sexual joke here*

Robb (courtesy of dangerkitty, ep6): Now comes perhaps the most heavy-handed foreshadowing and imagery ever seen on a Survivor episode. As Robb and Kenn hike together, Robb waxes philosophical about all he has learned, all he appreciates about his experience, and his awe at being here in this amazing place. Meanwhile, snakes are everywhere. Snakes in trees, snakes on the path, snakes snakes snakes. Robb even finds a snake skin and shows it to Kenn, failing utterly to grasp the basic symbolism of the moment.

Shii Ann (courtesy of Survivorerist, ep7): Speaking of people who are dumb enough to tell their tribe's information, cut back to Chuay Gahn where Shii Ass' mouth is flapping like a sail in a hurricane. Whatever happened to "The wise man knows very much but says very little, and the fool knows very little and says much?" Nevermind, it was a rhetorical question (answer: You're an idiot).

Erin (courtesy of Outfrontgirl, ep8): Air-in Funbags.
Penny’s shadow. Things we don’t know about Air-in:
Almost everything, including her sex.

Ken (courtesy of Drive My Car, ep9): Ken said some final words, but I wasn't paying attention. Ken's eyebrows scare me.

Penny (courtesy of PepeLePew13, ep10): Moneypenny’s Final Words: “It was a nice compliment to be seen as a threat. I am very proud of myself.” Somebody give her a dose of reality! Unless she defines being a backstabber, turncoat and manipulator as a major ‘threat’.

Jake (courtesy of Superman, ep11): We get the makeout stylings of Jake and Jenny. They swap denture cream for a good ten minutes. Christ. I am so happy that all the old married couples that I know sleep in seperate bedrooms. *shudder*

Ted (courtesy of Dalton and George Tirebiter, ep12): TED goes apeshit, humping the back end of his new ride in a frenzy of triumph. He then catches himself, and apologizes: I thought you were my wife--I SWEAR I didn’t mean anything by it! . . .Why. . . . I’m not even ATTRACTED to you!

Helen (courtesy of Femme, recrap ep): While Jan bails out the boat, Ms. Personality 2002 finally finds the water. Good thing, too, because while she fills the water jug, she tells us that she's dehydrated. Um, she's dehydrated while she's at a water supply. To think I accused Doooode of a brain deficiency (HUH #4).

See? Wasn’t that infinitely better than the “highlights” of each person voted off that they decided to show? Thank you, summary writers, for making this loathsome season almost bearable.

Well, we’re finally to the very last immunity challenge, which we all know by now will be based on endurance. Apparently, porn stars have tremendously keen minds, because the only two contestants left this point other than our eventual winner have less endurance than anyone at Loser Lodge. Yes, standing up for fifteen minutes is brutal, but apparently only King Brian can manage it. Jan buries her pride and cries and Clay drops out as soon as he realizes he doesn’t have to do the funky chicken anymore. Seriously, what was up with those moves in that challenge? Solid Gold, baby, Solid Gold.

Which brings us to the penultimate (note to sportswriters everywhere: penultimate means the second from the ultimate, not the ultimate ultimate) Tribal Council. As promised, Jan is number three, a fact she wants her students to take to heart. Yes, kids, you too can lose by barely playing the game.

And oh my heck, that at long last brings us to the final Tribal Council! Well, okay, so the boys have to burn a boat first, but that’s become about as de rigeur as burning your term papers when you graduate college (not something I’d expect many of the contestants to know about). So let’s just get right to the final TC, shall we? Woohoo!

First of all, of course, Jiffy has the boys give their reasons they should win:

Clay: Cuz my ass is settin’ over here and your asses is settin’ over there.

Thank you, Mr. Diplomacy.

Brian: Brak brak brak brak. (Really, I can’t remember anything he said. I’m stunned by the utter lack of personality in this guy.)

And then we get to what we’ve all been waiting for. The vitriol! Whee! First up, Erin!

Actually, I don’t remember what Erin said. I was still staring at the dichotomy represented by her bolt-ons versus her Adam’s apple. Enigma, thy name is Erin. And really, it doesn’t matter anyway, because as OFG pointed out, Erin is the alternate cheerleader and will vote with the head cheerleader every time anyway. Unfortunately, she’s not up yet. The cop is.

Ken: Clay, I’m pretty sure you were the guy who was peeing where we slept, but I’ve seen a lot of that on my beat, so I’m used to it. Brian, what I want to know is, could you tell the rest of the jury the lie you told me?

Brian: Uhhhh.

Ken: Your honor, I submit that on the night of February 30th, the suspect in question was driving seven miles per hour over the speed limit and had an alcohol level of…

Jiffy: Is there a point to this?

Ken: Answer the question, please.

Brian: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Ken: Tell it to the judge.

Jiffy: Okay, then. Penny!

Which brings us to the head cheerleader.

Penny: So I’m really popular and cute and everything and I was hoping you could tell me about me.

Brian: Uhhhh.

Clay: Your measurements are 34-22-34, you wear a B cup and a size 2. Your favorite stores are Victoria’s Secret and Lover’s Package.

Penny: Actually, those are your favorite stores, but I like your thinking.

And that brings us to King Fixodent. Unfortunately, he was so dull that neither I nor the official CBS website has ANY notes about what he said. Pretty sad when the official website doesn’t even acknowledge that you were there. So, let’s move on to Ted.

Ted: In Survivor 4, Vecepia won the whole thing by playing the racist card. If I play the racist card now, can I switch seats with Clay?

Jiffy: No.

Ted: Damn.

Next up is Jan. Notice that they switched the order so that Helen would get to speak last? Yeah, Burnett’s evil, but he’s no fool.

Jan: ---

Apparently, Jan couldn’t be found as she was off burying a mosquito that Ken killed when it landed on him. So let’s get right to Helen, shall we?

Soozin: If you were dying of dehydration in the middle of a desert and I walked by with a canteen of water, I’d keep walking and let the vultures have you.

Oops. Sorry. Bad acid.

Helen: Brian, how dare you backstab me by lying to my face when I asked if I was going to be booted?

Brian: Frankly, Helen, you scare the crap out of me. I thought you were going to turn me to stone with your Medusa-like gaze before the final immunity challenge.

Helen: And you couldn’t have told me this to my face?

Brian: Well, there’s that whole turning-to-stone thing again.

Helen continues to badger Brian in this same vein until finally, completely irritated, she does, in fact, turn Brian to stone.

Helen: Clay, can you name three things you did for anyone else at any time?

Clay: I admired Brian’s wife’s ass, I… actually, there’s no answer I could give you that would satisfy you.

Helen: Did you ever once think to admire MY ass?

Clay: There’s no answer I could give you that would satisfy you.

Helen turns Clay to stone.

And then they vote, and it’s almost kinda sorta suspenseful, because apparently, three out of four Sook Jai are too stupid to have noticed that Clay never did anything but golf and admire asses. Come to think of it, that’s probably why they voted for him, because the best asses were all on Sook Jai (thank God Mandy will never be subjected to Jan’s ass flaps again). Final tally is four to three and the least interesting person in the history of porn is crowned the ultimate survivor. Man, I hope this doesn’t mean the mullet’s gonna make a comeback.

Don’t tune in next season, when Burnett continues to mark time until Survivor 9 by making sure he has enough seasons to cast two from each show for the “all-star” show, when, if we’re lucky, there’ll finally be a shark-jumping reward challenge.

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