Survivor: Thailand - Episode 11 Summary

'They're Creepy and They're Kooky' By Superman

Since this Episode was all about family, let me tell you a bit about mine: Today is my son Alex's 2nd birthday and while I write this, he's sitting on my lap helping me type and telling me all about his penis. Smart kid, alot like he's old man. My wife's debit card was eaten by a local ATM today, leading me to yet another religous quandry. I do now believe that there is a God. That leaves my girls, who are now both 8 years old and this season we decided that they were old enough for to watch Survivor. That, of course, led to loads of questions tonight as I took notes of the show.

"Why you doin' that dad? Tryin' to figure out who wins?"

"Nah. I have to write the summary for this show."

"Oh. Are you gonna write all those ugly words that Clay says?"

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"Probably."

"Well. You should write something about how nice Jake is."

"I can't really honey. I kinda have to write about how the show Blo..er, stinks."

"You could say that it's like a big gassy monkey butt in the air having farts."

"Thanks. Maybe, I'll use that."

"Lookie my penis!"

"Very nice, son."

Previously on Survivor

Brian & Clay ride a big ole elephant into the jungle. They eat, Ted whines. Penny cuts all ties with Jake, Clay cuts all ties with civilized behavior. Helen talks alot, Jan cries alot. Jake lays down a little speech at T.C. He stays, Penny goes. Jeff looks pretty.

But then, later that night...

Jan(confessional): Jake said he was a hard worker at Tribal Council. Clay don't simmer well with that sorta thing. Y'know...truthful stuff.

Clay: You think you work harder'n my ass boy! I'll whoop that ass, fer ya!

(By the way, I'll be adding the word "ass" to every sentence that Clay says. It just feels right. Besides, he says it in almost every one so it's not that much work.)

Jake: That's not what I said...

Clay: Somebody's gotta get their ass kicked off..

Helen(confessional): Clay was pissed because what Jake said was true. People who are working know they're working. People skating know they're skating. People spouting recipies all day know they're spouting recipies all day.

Ted(confessional): Clay's an idiot.

Clay: Is your ass proud a me?

Ted: That was messed up.

Clay: It had to be said. It just had to be said...out my ass.

Day 31

For a second there, I thought I'd leaned on the clicker and changed the channel. It looks as if the war on terror has taken a turn for the better and we've got ourselves three dead Al Queda laying outside of a cave! Look! It's Osama! It's Osama! No...wait...it's Brian. And from the looks of his fingernails, he's got some serious anal itchiness going on.

Clay:Our asses is whooped. After 31 days in a cave I miss my families ass, I miss my home...And the end (Get it? "the end") is comin'. You start smellin' it (*giggle*)...You know it's comin..(Wait a minute now)..It's not long. (Hey!)

Why'd he go and stop talking about asses and start talking about his penis?! If you're gonna switch funny body parts on me pal, a little warning would be appreciated."

"Lookie MY penis, Dada!"

"Very nice, son."

Jake is writing something that's kinda like a journal, but it's also kinda like a letter to his wife. As a matter of fact, he decides, it IS a letter to his wife. We're all so pleased that you've narrowed it down, Jake. Now, if you don't mind, give us a lead in to the next part of the show.

Jake: I'm just sitting here waiting on the next challenge..

Well done, Jake. Well done.

Tree Mail!

Jan & Helen skip merrily to the mail box and try to say the word "mail" as many times as possible. They open up one of those cheap knick knacks that they give you for being one of the first 100 customers to the Saturday
sale at J.C. Pennys and they find a letter and 3 grains of rice. Helen has an orgasm over the 3 grains of rice and Jan looks for a place to bury "them poor grains of rice that gived they lives to feed us."

Jan: There was rice..We was so excited, but I couldn't help tearin' up lookin' down at them helpless little bodies.

Back at camp, Helen reads the tree mail:

Good food is a luxury
You need nourishment at least
Who knows? If you win
You might get yourself a piece
This one will make you smile
Maybe bring a tear to your eye
What an experience
Let's all hope Clay dies

Ted(confessional): They had the word "feast" and "luxury" and "nourishment", so I was thinking that maybe this was the challenge that you win one of them Pontiac Aztecs.

Reward Challenge

Jeff tells everyone to sit down and then tells them that he's gonna show them what the reward is before he tells them the challenge.

Ted(whispering): C'mon Aztec..c'mon Aztec...

Jeff: Helen, your husband Jim.

If you didn't see Jim, picture Steven Speilberg as a midget with a beer gut. Even if you did see Jim, picture it anyway. It'll make you giggle.

Jeff: Ted, your brother Iwon. Founder of Iwon.com.

This was weird to me. I guess that CBS would have had to pay Southwest for two seats if they flew Ted's enormous wife out, so they went with his brother. But was it *really* his brother? Or was it his brotha? I have no idea. The one thing I do know is that he had a rat's tail hanging of his chin and that is soooo 1983.

Jeff: Brian, your wife C.(cup)C.(cup).

Ummm, Brian's wife seems nice...I think...Oh look! She has a face too! Wow! Yeah, she seems nice.

Jeff: Jake, your wife Jenny.

I don't know much about Jenny, but I do know this: She's cold. The woman is obviously cold and by god, somebody needs to tell her. Don't ask me how I know this. Perhaps my eyes remained on that area of the screen since C.C. left. I don't know. I do know the woman is cold and I feel dirty.

Jeff: Clay, your wife Linda.

Clay: I love you, baby! I cain't wait to smack that ass!

Jeff: Jan, we wouldn't leave you out. Here's the ghost of a baby bat embryo.

Jan: Oliver!

Jeff: Just kidding, it's your son Jeff.

Jan: Damn it. Ummm, I mean..Oh! My baby boy, baby boy!

Jeff then goes on to explain the rules:

Jeff: The winner's family member gets to stay for 24 hours with you. They will eat with you, sleep with you...(Jan gives her son a come hither look)

Jim(Helen's husband): Sleep with her?! Nobody said anything about sleeping with her!

Jeff:...The loser will get nothing. Not a kiss, not a hug, not a handshake...

Clay: I cain't even smack her ass?

Jeff: Umm, no..

Clay(looking at Brian's wife): Can I smack her ass?

C.C.: If the price is right...

Jeff: NO. Look, here's the deal. This is gonna be a rip off of fear factor. There's the big, exciting twist: Your family member has to eat the gross stuff.

Family members: Awwww...

Helen shoots her husband a death glance, letting America know who wears the pants in the family (as if we didn't know already).

Jim: But I don't WANT to sleep with you.

Helen: Eat it! Or so help me, I'll read every fuckin' cookbook we own to you, everyday for the rest of your life!

Jim(sobbing): Alright, Alright. *sob*I'll do it.

First course: Ants. Everyone eats, Clay's wife chokes. Next course: Water roaches. Roach guts spatter, but everyone eats except Brian's wife C.C. Clay's wife chokes again, C.C. leaves. Next course: Live grubs. This event is timed and only the two fastest move on. Jim (Helen's husband) & Jenny (Jake's wife) win. Clays' wife chokes. I think it's now safe to say that Clay never gets any oral.

As Iwon, Linda, and Jeff leave. I have to admit, I got a little verklempt. For the first time ever, Clay shows a sensitive side.

Linda: I love you!

Clay: I love yer ass, too!

Repeat, three times.

Next course: Boiled tarantula. They start eating and "it" begins. The thinly veiled sexual innuendo starts flying from Survivors to spouses, from Probst to spouses, from spouses to boiled spiders. Hell, it's everywhere. I wish I had Dangerkitty here to help me out with this. She is the master of putting this kinda thing together, but I don't. So, I'll just tell you a joke that came to mind while watching this little scene:

A masked man with a gun barges through the door of a sperm bank. He throws a sample down on the counter and demands that the receptionist drink it. She hesitates, but he screams, "Drink it or I'll shoot!" The woman drinks it and put the cup down. The man takes off his mask and reveals himself. It's her husband and he says, "There now was that so bad?"

Ok, both of them eat the spider. Tiebreaker round: Scorpion. The funniest part of this was that Jenny enforces the 5 second rule. She drops the scorpion, picks it up(within 5 seconds), wipes it on her pants and starts to eat it. Nobody likes to eat scorpion that's been on the dirty ground y'know. Anywho, Jim wins. I imagine he's had to eat nastier things in his life, ify'knowwhatImean.

Jenny heads back to the pukebucket. Yes, the pukebucket. 5 billion acres of the great outdoors to drop your waste on and Survivor installs a puke bucket. Who says they aren't eco-friendly?

Everyone acts as if they are happy that Helen & Jim have won, when secretly they'd have rather had ghost of Oliver the bat hang around.

Jim's Visit

Y'know what? Jim's visit was boring. It can't be summarized into anything worth reading. They slept, they talked, they got water, Helen filmed an Herbal Essence commercial, they took a boat ride, they foraged for food, then *finally* Dee Schnider of Twisted Sister fame showed up in a speed boat and took Jim back to the hotel where he could be free. End of Jim's visit....or is it?

Tree Mail!

Ted: Treeeee Maillll! Tree Maillll! Ding - a ling - a ling!

"DaDa? You see my ding a ling a ling?"

"Very nice, Son. Daddy's trying to take notes. Put that thing away."

Brian, stop thinking about her box
Your piece was out of her place
Soon you'll see that 'ho
And you can &%$* all over her face

Ok, so that wasn't really the Tree Mail. I just couldn't help myself.

Jake(confessional): Well, we're about to have the Immunity Challenge and I need it. There is 5 from the other tribe and one from mine. The cards are stacked against me.

If these were the days of Camelot, I would knight Jake, Sir Pointsouttheobviousalot.

Immunity Challenge

Immunity is a big ass Rubik's cube. Remember the Rubik's cube, kids? It was around about the same time as Iwon's Rat tail was popular. Anyway, Probst asks Helen what the best thing about having her husband around was.

Helen: Touching him, talking to him, sharing recipies with him...

Jeff: Well, hey, guess what? Everybody's family is still here! Yay!

Out runs the family and thus begins the Survivor orgy! Y'know, I thought that we'd see some hot and heavy action from Brian and C.C., but noooo...We get the makeout stylings of Jake and Jenny. They swap denture cream for a good ten minutes. Christ. I am so happy that all the old married couples that I know sleep in seperate bedrooms. *shudder*

Now things get kinky. Everyone gets tied to their family member and have to solve the big ass Rubik's cube puzzle which, by chance, is solved the same way the original Rubik's cube was solved. It's broken into pieces and then you put it back together. Well, that's how I solved mine anyway.

Then the race starts and the only thing that I found of interest was that Brian and C.C didn't do so well tied together. What kind of porn star is this guy anyway? He doesn't participate in the orgy, he doesn't do well tied to his partner...phbbbt. No wonder he sells cars now.

Anywho, Ted & Iwon win. They roll around in the sand together. Hell, these two would make better porn stars than Brian. Ted gets the necklace. Yay Ted.

Commercial break.

"Ok, everyone get your teeth brushed so you can get straight to bed after this. Alex...Alex don't put toothpaste on that. Alex..wait, how does that feel, son?"

"It tickles, Dada."

"Hmmm...I may have to try that later."

"Honey, why does my son have Aquafresh on his penis?"

"I don't know, dear. I'm writing a summary."

Day 33

Everyone walks in and Jake says something like, "Nothing could wipe the smile off my face."
Clay hears the word "wipe" and tries to make an ass-reference, but don't worry folks, I'll skip it this time.

Jake is real happy. I mean really happy. He starts talking about love and this that and the other. And apparently that little makeout session was pretty intense. If you look closely at the letter he was writing, it started with "Dear Penthouse, You're never gonna believe this..."

Brian stands on the beach...

"Dada, lookie at HIS penis."

"Yes, it's very nice, son."

Helen tries to talk Brian into voting out Clay. Then she says something about a threesome and something up her "Hmmmiummuphh". It sounded sexual and then again, it didn't. Brian tries to sound all smart and says something about this just being a game. Ladies and gentlemen, we have Sir Pointsouttheobviousalot's faithful sidekick, The Duke of Tellsussomethingwedon'tknow.

Tribal Council

The jury comes in. Jeff asks a bunch of stupid boring questions. There is only one glaring fact about this scene and that is this: Ken is the happiest man alive.

Time to vote. No one's vote is shown, except Clay's which reads, "ASS".

Clay: Jake, let's let bygones be bygones, you ass. I live too close to your ass to be enemies.

Jeff reads the votes:
"Jake"
"Jake"
"ASS"
"Jake"

Jake's torch is snuffed. Blah, blah, blah.

Next Time on Survivor..

Everybody still hates Clay, but they'll ride with him in a car if they have too.

That's it. I'm going to bed. I've got something to show the wife, and it ain't a big gassy monkey butt in the air having farts, if y'knowwhatImean.

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