Survivor: Thailand - Episode 9 Summary

'Yo Yo Yo It's Time to Go' By Drive My Car

First I would like to answer the question I know you all are just dying to know, and the answer is , yes, I will be making fun of Jan's saggy ass.

Previously on Survivor!

Ken- they are the enemy

Brian- they have to earn my trust

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Erin- I am not a man!

Probst- The tube sucking immunity challenge came down to Brian and Jake, but the Sucky Guys sucked and Brian knows how to Blow, giving Chuay Gahn yet another boring and predictible win.

Back at Camp, the Suckies cry over their loss, and Ted whines about not being able to gloat over their win cuz, " we really like you guys". (Ya, I hear human sacrifices were much beloved in the ancient Thai culture, and the Sucky tribe is no different)

Then Dobby the House Elf from Harry Potter comes on! Oh I love Harry Potter. Wait a minute, I don't remember Dobby having a beard and huge disgusting nipples. Oh Yuck it's Clay!! ( eww and I wish he would put a shirt on *shudder*)

Jake crys {Jake sensitive moment #1} He says something too, but he is blubbering so badly I am not sure what. Something about loving the other sacrifices, it really wasn't very interesting.

And the Lovely Erin with the sparkling wit and personality is voted off.

Eight are left, WHO will be voted out tonight on Survivor!

Cue intro- Ooo Eeee Ooo Eee

16 contestants

39 Days

1 Survivor

( Hey the intro had some guy named John on it? Is that a mistake? Anybody remember a John on this show?)

Oh good a commercial. Radio Shack. Am I the only one who can't figure out why whenever you buy something there, they want all sorts of personnal info about you? My husband doesn't like for me to shop online because he is worried about me revealing personnal information, but he will go into Radio Shack for a piece of speaker wire and tell them his SS# my SS# his mother's maiden name, our daughters birthday and the name of the first girl who ever let him get to third base in the back seat of a car. Radio Shack scares me.

Full Moon- Night 24

The Sucky Guys have gone off to Tribal Council, so the Chewys lie around camp gloating over their win ( which doesn't seem nearly as much fun as gloating while the Sucks are around)

Ted- We deserve this! We got here. We have the power now, we are all powerful

Brian- we earned this

And wasn't it nice of them to help you All-Powerful guys out by voting off their strongest members first?

Jan confessional - Souk Gai has to go to tribal Council and vote someone off, and we get to stay here and guess who it is. I hope it isn't Penny, she's so sweet. *grin*

Is it me? Or does Jan seem to think everyone is 6 years old?
Anyway, the Chewys decide to playact what they think is happening at Tribal Council.

Clay playing Jeff ( as if)- Ahhh soh Penny, hew er yew goin' ta screw tanight?

Helen as Penny- Oh well Jeff , I have given this some thought, and I made up a little Cheer about my vote....
Two Four Six Eight,
Who do we really Hate?
It's Erin
Ya Ya
It's Erin
*Clap Clap*
Tribe Has Spoken
Dont cha know
And those Boobs have got to Go
She's Boring
Ya Ya
Real Boring
*Clap Clap*

Jan giggles like she has lost her mind ( or never had one)

Jan- And what about Mr. EN WHY CEE Himself?

Brian as Ken - Yo Yo Yo Yo This uniform gets me some B!tches

Ok I gotta say it, Brian is a really bad actor. And by the way, isn't it against the Law to dis New York City Heros under the new Homeland Patriots Act?
I'm pretty sure Brian is going to Hell.

Sucky Guys return early from Tribal Council.

Ted- Survey says?

Penny- We Lost Erin ( Oh you "lost" her? Don't you mean "lost" as in, we told her to vote for Ken then snuffed her torch and ran away before she knew what hit her?)

Helen looks surprised, then starts waving her hand back and forth in front of her face. Either the Troll just cut gas, or she is trying not to cry. What is up with this cast? They have to be the biggest bunch of crybabies EVER! Crap! I am actually starting to miss Shii Ann and Robb.

Jake { sensitive moment #2} - Thank you all for mourning with us. ( I swear he said this)

Penny- She has been my sleeping partner for 24 days, she was like a sister to me, I mean, still is ( like a bad sister that gets sent away)

I keep waiting for Penny to say " I hit her with my shoe, and then I hit her and I hit her again", just like the little pigtailed girl from The Bad Seed. Penny scares me.

They act like Erin is dead ( Jan gets that gleam in her eye, and decides this time she is gonna need to dig a BIG hole)

Sunrise - Day 25

Over the musical sounds of beautiful Thai wind instruments we hear the *Flap Flap Flap* of Jan's ass slapping against her legs, as a new day begins at the Chewy Sucky Camp.

In confessional, Jake tells us that he is going to put his best foot forward as he tries to find a way to fit in and impress his campmates.

Gather around Boys and Girls it's Grandpa's Storytime !

Jake-Did I ever tell you all about the time I first killed sumthin? There was this Big Buck....blah blah blah

Ted confessional- Jake thinks we're gonna be wowed by his stories.

Clay confessional- I am bout dern sick of his Roy Rogers Tales

Jake blabbing on and on- Then I opened my parachute and landed in the middle of some bloodthirsty gaters, and then, blah blah blah I chased a mountain lion in my bare undies, blah blah blah, and then I flew to the moon in a hang glider I built in my garage, blah blah... ( Oh hell, I don't know what all he said, it was boring. Trust me even Magilla was yawning)

Oh except for this actual quote..

Jake- I broke my ankles twice; one time when skydiving, one time playing football, one time when Skiing, and one time in a motorcycle accident.

For some reason Clay and Ted don't believe a word of it. ( can you imagine?)

Clay says something about rasslin' grizzlys, but frankly, I can't understand much of it. I speak a little Southern, but translating Troll is beyond me ( I tried though, because I'm a giver)

Night at Chewy Suck Camp

Clay looks at the moon.

Clay- M-O-O-N, that spells Home. Do Ya'll miss yer fambly?

( Can we say foreshawdowing Boys and Girls?)

Then just for kicks they decide to play -Try to Make the Redneck Cry.

Helen decides to try to extend her 15 minutes, thinking that if she misses out on the Million in this game that she might be the next American Idol.

Helen singing- Are you lonesome tonight, do you miss me tonight..

I'm thinking that if she sang a song about a faithful old hound dog that died on some train tracks, she'd have a better chance of getting Clay to tear up, but I guess that's just my opinion. Anyway, Helen keeps singing, and though it doesn't make the Troll cry ( what a rock!) she has me crying in pain.

*******

Back from Commercial and we have colorful little comfy padded chairs set in the jungle in front of a TV. And we have Jeffy! WHAT? Jeff? **Buggy rewinds the VCR** NO TREEMAIL?? How can there be no TreeMail? I waited 2 in a half years and 5 seasons to get a chance to do a Summary of this damn show, and when it is finally MY turn there is no Treemail !?

I have no time
to make up rhymes
something witty
or kinda snitty
reward to be had
and someone sad
and this is bad
so F*ck it

Looks like a reward challenge setting. Our motley stinky crowd of (leftover) Survivors sit down

Jeff- Welcome guys!

Ted- Welcome ( what a suck up)

Jeff- you make assumptions in this game, and you may assume that your Loved Ones are here, but they aren't , cuz we blew all the money on Survivor 4, which was actually good. You Losers get videos.

We get the sneak peeks. Jake is first, and he is already bawling {Jake sensitive moment #4} (and btw, I think I am voting for this crybaby to go next week.)

Jake's Lovely wife- When you look up at the stars, know that I am looking down on you. ( WTF? is she dead? Sorry, kinda freaked me out)

Next we get Brian's wife who is very sweet and smooches the camera. Brain says it is "so cool".

Next Jan. All her kids Love her and Miss her. She cries ( what a shocker)

Then Clay's Wife and Daughter. They love him, and Clays wife looks like a lovely woman, (but GEEZE, they say Texas women got big hair. That hair could hold a full circus , complete with Clowns and a Corndog stand)

Helen is next. Her husband , daughter and her cat. Helen cries as they shove the cats face into the camera ( poor kitty)

Ken laughs as they show his Mom and Brother and his dog. The Dog looks like he misses Ken more then Mom does.

Penny is next. We get to see her fiance and inlaws and dogs and friends. Penny cries and we get a closeup of her face ( didn't someone bring a razor on this trip? Cuz Penny is one hairy faced girl, trust me, the closeup is not kind to our girl Pen)

We get a weird camera shot here, Penny then Jan then Penny again. I have seen your future Penny and it isn't pretty. Not Pretty at all.

Finally we get Ted's Family video ( he must win the reward, right?) Ted whose baby girl was 3 days old when he left for this gig. Ted who can't wait to see his Baby daughter. And this Baby is absolutely beautiful! She is perfect. Ted's wife is ENORMOUS! (Ok I won't be mean) Ted's wife is a lovely woman, who just happens to be ENORMOUS. Poor huge thing.

Jeff- now you have seen a little bit of everyone's family. The winner of this next challenge gets to see their entire video, while sipping a cool beverage.

The Survivors ohhh and ahhhh, but I am screaming at the TV , " Don't win! It's a TRICK"

Jeff - you may assume since this is an individual reward ( oh sure it is) that this is an individual challenge and that you are going to merge.

Oh quit stalling Jeff and hand out the new buffs already! The challenge is an obstacle course that they run in pairs, with the winning team then competing against each other ( for the really neat prize of having everyone see your personnal video with you, while drinking all your lemonade) Up a ladder, chop a log, push wicker ball through a fishnet stocking over and under a ladder, then sommersault ( weeeeee) over a cargo net. Jeff does his usual play by play ( which always sounds like a voiceover). Brian and Helen win, because luckily Bri has some experience with not getting his balls stuck in fishnets. Wicker ball pyramid puzzle ( Mark must have gotten a great deal of those wicker balls this season) Brian beats Helen easily.

Jeff- lets all go watch Brian's video and drink his lemonade ( Told ya it was a trick)

Brian apolagizes for his wife before we even see her, and you kind of have to wonder why he even tried to win the thing at all. "She's a little crazy" he says. Hehehe. Too much fun watching him squirm. Wifey dances in a little tube top and shorts, shaking her ass as only a professional with years of ass shaking training is able. She is a very fine looking woman, as Clay tells us in his confessional.

Clay- She uhhhh uhh is really Hawt. *wipes at a bit of drool* She shur is fit fer dem bikinis, I tell ya what, she gone dun made me feel awl funny in my tummy.

Oh great! Not only does Brian have to share his family video, AND his lemonade, but now Clay is having sexual fantasies about his wife. Something tells me Brian is not real happy about winning.

Brian confessional- at least she kept her clothes on, which I am happy about ( and we are happy Ted's wife did too) I don't want people to know this much about me. I don't think it is necessary for everyone to see my family. ( the evil laughter you hear is Mark Burnett)

But just wait Brian, because the good part is yet to come. Wifey starts showing off the family home, and all your stuff. The Grand Piano, the garage!

Wifey in Baby talk- Here's your Beemer, and of course the Caddy Caddy Caddy.

Almost time to kiss that Million goodbye Bri, but not quite yet.

Wifey- we miss you , and can't wait for you to win the Million dollars so WE can all go to Fiji !! *smooch*

Now Brian, Now you can kiss the Million goodbye.

Brian's lovely wife then starts slinking around in teeny tiny leopard print lingere. Oops, sorry that is actually the commercial for the Victoria Secret fashion show. My mistake.

Sunrise- Day 26 Chuay Jai

They have a flag to paint for their newly formed Tribe. Jan is in control. Jan has mad skills for fingerpainting. It's like this is what she lives for. She also has an elastic problem again. FANNY ALERT! It's baggy, it's saggy, it's haggy! It's Jan's amazing falling ass cheeks! Oh the humanity. ( and I wish she would walk slower, it is hard to hear what everyone is saying over the Flap Flap Flap!)

The guys are really into this merge thing. Suddenly they all think they can win it.

Clay- Now the game starts. I am gonna outwit, outplay and outlast, I tell you what.

Ken- Merge is gonna help me. I am a threat in every immunity challenge ( gee, then I guess he had better win this one)

Brian- New Game. Doesn't matter if it is my tribe or one of the others, whoever gets on my nerves is outta here. We're sleeping with the enemy now. ( better hope the enemy is wearing a condom Bri)

Everything starts getting on poor Ted's nerves. He can't stand the constant yap yap yapping. He decides he needs some "me" time, some time alone, some Damn Peace and Quiet for Godsakes! So he takes the canoe and paddles off into the Ocean.

This causes quite a stir back at Camp.

Jan- Ted took the canoe and didn't tell anyone

Brian- maybe he needed some time alone, after all he did just watch a video starring my wife

Penny- Ted doesn't fit into the group

Helen- he can't swin at all

Clay- he's too big ta run ( huh?)

Ken- maybe he's trying to steal it, should I put out an APB

Yap Yap Yap. Geeze can you blame the guy?

Jake is plotting to get someone on his side. He talks to Clay , and seems to be able to understand him. Clay tells him Ken was the target, but now thinks Ken is a good ole boy, so now it's Ted. Mumbles something about voting out Ted. Jake takes this to mean that Ken is safe! And runs to tell the other members of the Sucky 3 alliance ( motto, We vote our strong out early).
Relax and enjoy your "me" time Ted, I am pretty sure you are safe this week.

Our newly formed Tribe arrives at Challenge Beach. I can't help but wonder how they knew it was time for a Challenge. I mean they didn't get any DAMN TREEMAIL!! *grumble* Ok sorry. But if they had gotten mail, I think it would go something like this

Immunity time
So keep on your toes
The 2 tribes are 1
So anyone goes
So if you own a Caddy
Or lost a Canoe
Win Immunity now
Or vote NYC Blue

They meet up with Jeff, who is looking pretty fine. You know guys, you too can look the Sporty Adventurer like Jeff. Just buy yourself a blue shirt from the Jeffy Probst Collection. Exclusively at JC Penney It's all inside

Jeff- Hi guys

Ted- Hi Jeff ( total suck up)

Jeff- time to give back the ugly immunity idol and take a look at the ugly immunity necklace. What you now covet is this spikey thing, borrowed from Burnett's persoannal collection of S&M toys. And like Mark always says to me, " You know you want it"

The first round is a quick memory game. Memorize Thai number symbols 1-9 and then hold up the one Jeff asks for. They all fail miserably,except for Clay , Ken and Penny. Penny blows the next one, and it is Clay and Ken in the finals. It's a good day to be a troll. Now they move on to the Great Kitty Litter Box challenge. A huge area of sand mounds, but in a shocking twist, they are digging for the crap instead of burying it. Little wooden plaques with Thai numbers and a direction to walk in, North, South, East , West. There is a compass showing direction, and this time the Thai number table is clearly displayed. It is disceptively easy, which must be why it confuses Ken so badly. It was so painful to watch that it wasn't even funny ( ok who am I kidding , it was totally funny) Clay scurried from mound of sand to mound of sand, while Ken squinted like he was in pain. It was awful *giggle*

Clay wins the first individual Immunity! It is a grand day for smelly trolls everywhere! Jeff puts the evil looking Immunity Spikes around Clay's neck and he dances around singing " I know I am sexy uh huh uh huh, and Rumplestiltson is my name"

Jeff- See you guys at Tribal ( ya, catch ya later Jeff)

Back at Camp where the desparate plotting begins.

Ken to Clay- You did good, umm I mean you DUN good.

Ted- Ken is a threat

Ken to Jake- They know I am a threat

Jake- we need to stir some stuff up.

So our man Jake comes up with the Perfect Plan, a Simple Plan ( hey Jake buddy, I saw that movie and the plan didn't work out so good).Jake has decided that all they have to do is vote out Brian. Tonight! See how easy it is? Just take your 3 member alliance and get 2 other people to paint targets on their backs (oops) I mean defect to your side, and it's a done deal. Million in Jake's pocket.

Jake- it's a great plan! ( Survivor 101, "great plan" = "No way in hell it's gonna work"

Tribal Council

Spooky flames, dramatic music, then a really ugly man with enourmous breasts comes in and..... Oh nevermind that's just Erin. Erin scares me.

Jeff asks some questions. I notice that the Immunity Spike causes Clay to have to sit up really straight or be gouged ( hehehe good one MB).

Clay- where do I stand where do I fit in?

Jake- We need to weed out the liars

Ted- I am homesick and needed some "Me" time, but I don't regret, grinding on Ghandia, losing the boat, or peeing in the cave

Brain- I am voting out the person who is the laziest, I am basing my vote on production, or lack of production

Penny- not really

They vote, but the votes aren't shown. Oh it is so suspenseful. Jeff reads the votes in typical dramatic Jeffy fashion , and in typical boring Survivor fashion, we get 3 votes Ted, 4 votes Ken.

Yo Yo Yo The Tribe has spoken Buh Bye.

Ken said some final words, but I wasn't paying attention. Ken's eyebrows scare me.

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