Survivor: Guatemala - Episode 5 Summary

'Golden Boy Surprise' By idiotcowboy

Previously, on Survivor...

The tribes switched so that most of the Yaxha’s were now Nakum’s and most of the Nakum’s were now Yaxha’s, which is really good since you really have to work to defeat the curse of StephanIe

Despite that StephanIe, and her new team Nakum, once again found away to loose

Fortunately for StephanIe and the rest of the old Yaxha on the new Nakum, she also found someone dumber than Bobby Jon on her new team, Judd. Thus when it was time to go to tribal council, someone named Brooke who may or not have actually been on the show and if she was it was probably because she looked nice in a bikini or would have had she been able to starve a few more days, was voted off.

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Which of course brings us to the opening music and the parade of DAWs.

We begin this day like we always do, the walk in the dark home and the grousing of the people who are now toast post alliance shifting. This time it would be the esteemed Nurse Margret who can heal the sick, but is having a bit of a time trying to remove the tribal cancer that is known collectively as StephanIe. Especially since Judd, who is none to bright, became jealous of all the attention that Marge and her group had heaped upon the former sicker members of her former challenge winning tribe.

Now don’t get me wrong I like a little conniving and villainy in my contestants, and it likely was a good idea for someone to work a deal to make things go favorably for their old tribe over their new tribe, however you have to show that you might have a long term strategy at work if you want any kudos from me. Judd did nothing of the sort, and therefore his lame-brained strategy to get rid of Brooke because he didn’t really like her made little strategic game sense but then what exactly should we expect from a guy who acts as if he is slightly less evolved than the howler monkey’s he sorta kinda resembles.

In an effort to give you a feel for what happened, without actually having to go back and actually, you know, see what they really said, I give the following snippet of what I remember happening, even though much of it probably didn’t.

Steph: I hate hate hate going to tribal council
Margaret: Judd why did you do it?
Judd: everybody is like playing for a million dollars
Steph: I’ve been to every tribal council that I have been in the game for except one, and it’s getting real old. Why must I always be surrounded by such losers.
Margaret: ... but after I had breastfed you back to life when you were sick
Judd: that was Blake
Steph: I really dodn’t deserve this, after all I am the strongest female player to ever play the game, Jeff said so himself.
Margaret: I would have done the same for you
Judd: Sorry don’t feed the bulldog
Steph: I think I need a good confessional, I really need a cry.

Which of course sends us to Yaxha, for morning sunrise with Blake and his alligator, and no this time BJ ain’t with him. It is also a perfect opportunity to beat us, the viewing audience, over the head with a healthy dose of irony and foreshadows (hint hint).

Blake: Things couldn’t be working better if I had of planned them out, which I didn’t because, who needs to plan when everything always falls your way. Looking back the injury on the walk into camp was perfect, it gave me a nice excuse to lay around camp and do nothing, something (along with puking) that I’m extremely good at, while everyone one else gathered firewood and built the shelter. It also didn’t hurt that I was able to single-handedly win every challenge for my team since I recovered, and now that I’m well I should be able to cruise into the end game, win all the challenges and at the end who wouldn’t vote me to be the winner of the million dollars.

Why they edit these shows like this is a bit beyond me, after all if you hadn’t watched the show all season and someone comes out with a proclamation that they are in a great place, it is generally the kiss of death. I guess for all those people who didn’t read the spoilers and know that Blake was, in actuality, in trouble it’s a heads up so as not to be too surprised later on, but it still feels a bit clumsy if you ask me.

With that note I guess it would be time to see how life at new Yaxha is going.

Amy: I nevah been camping
Brandon: In Kansas every day is like camping
Blake: When I get home I want to buy a new pair of boots, mine have duct tape on them
Amy: So what exactly do you grow on one of them farm things
BJ: corn, wheat,
Amy: I think I’ve heard of those
BJ: sorgum, peanuts..
Amy: but what’s it for?
Brian: I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank Jesus for farmers
Brandon: and John Deere
BJ: yeah, don’t forget John Deere
All: AMEN

And of course, the confessional with Brian that follows.

Brian: You really have to like go with the flow in this game; I mean I would like totally not be friends with any of these people in real life. I mean come on, they are like so red state and always wanting to give thanks to some dead guy, it’s really pathetic how stupid all these people are, but it does so make my gameplan so much easier.

Which of course gives us a perfect opportunity to discuss the place of religion in reality TV... or, maybe we’ll just go onto the reward challenge.

Let’s see, Jeff asks them about how they like swimming with the gators, and offers them a chance to reduce the likelihood that this season will in fact be the first season where someone actualy dies during the filming of a reality television show (at least until next week). That reduction comes in the form of a gator-proof swimming pool, completed by a feast of margaritas, chips, salsa, and guacamole. In order to win this, they will race up a hill and complete tasks along the way collecting handles to a pulley that will raise a cart that they will ride down the hill to victory in.

The first task on the way up is to cut a rope with a rock, this features a battle royal between Jamie and Brandon, to see which one can cut a rope the quickest. Jamie who appears to think this contest of skill will be judged by the how it’s done as much as when it is done, carefully starts using the rock like a knife, a very very very dull one at that. Brandon however takes this opportunity to “man up” and beats the hell out of the ropes with the sharp rock and Yaxha is on to the next task very quickly. On the next leg of the task, BJ does his best psycho lumberjack routine on a poor unsuspecting log pushing Yaxha even further ahead, as Jamie still works on that first rope. The contest mercifully ends as Yaxha, finishes off the task by BJ faux mooning the Nakum’s as he and his team roll down to victory and into their pool of dreams.

Before we move over there though, let’s take a moment to revisit the Nakum post-loss discussion.

Jamie: You want to finish
Cindy: Umm, they already won
Jamie: What’s wrong with you people, are you all a bunch of quitters? Come on we can do this, finish strong...
Judd: Give it up dude
Steph: I can’t believe you people suck so badly

Then back at Nakum camp.

Jamie: <crying> he was an animal, how did he do that?
Judd: he manned up dude, you should try it.
Cindy: I think you just needed to get some leverage and apply..
Judd: Who asked you?!?
Steph: I can’t believe how gay Bobby Jon is, did you see him squealing like a little girl at the end of the challenge? I would never do that I would squeal like the man I am.
Rafe: Um, Stephanie..

And one more, StephanIe in confessional

Steph: I know I am just gellus of Bobby Jon, I mean why must I always be stuck with the lame ass tribe. Why can’t I have Bobby Jon’s team, why can’t I be the one with some success for once in my miserable existence? It’s like this reoccurring dream and I can’t get out of it, I’m stuck in survivor hell.

Were you this whiney last season?!?! Enough with the self-pity StephanIe, we got it, now get over your lame useless ass and do something about it, or get the hell off my TV screen you’re really starting to annoy the crap out of me...

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