Survivor: Guatemala - Episode 9 Summary

'You Hurt My Widdle Feewings' By GuessItRains

Hey kids, it’s summary time again!

We start with the recaps. All of you who’ve been watching this drekk for a number of years know that the recraps keep getting longer because the show itself keeps getting more boring. For anybody who really wants to know what happened last week, I highly recommend Draco Malfoy’s summary, but the only stuff you really need to know is that there is a hidden immunity idol somewhere in the jungle designed to shake up the game and that Bobby Jon and Jamie are having a widdle tiff, presumably because each is worried the other is going to take away his potential role as “Redneck #3" on an upcoming episode of Real World: Birmingham. Oh, and Brandon got voted out, which means for the second straight Survivor Steph will at least make the jury and we have to put up with Probst drooling all over her in every single episode.

Back from a commercial for CSI: Miami, the tribe is just getting back to camp after Brandon’s vote-out. Jamie’s widdle feewings are hurt because Bobby Jon got mad at tribal council and said he had no class. Judd of all people decides to play peacemaker. You know it’s bad when the big, fat crazy man starts sounding rational. Jamie tells Bobby Jon that even though Jamie’s actions showed no class it doesn’t mean he’s not a classy guy at heart. Presumably to end this pointless conversation, Bobby Jon agrees to make up with Jamie. Rafe basically decides that Jamie is crazy. Why it took him until Day 21 to come to that conclusion is anybody’s guess.

The next morning, Judd refuses to eat Lydia’s home-cooked meal and complains about the food. I will note that if Judd doesn’t eat for the next eighteen days, he’ll still be pretty darn fat. Gary, Danni, and Bobby Jon know they are the minority right now and so they set out looking for the hidden idol. Bobby Jon walks aimlessly around swatting flies. Shockingly, this does not help him find the idol. Danni resorts to prayer. Gary uses a confessional to relive the one game of his short-lived professional career where he apparently did something to help win a game and figures if he did it then he could do it again. More footage of Gary and Danni wandering aimlessly in the jungle. Hey at least it’s more interesting than watching Jamie sulk and sleep.

Time for a reward challenge to try to liven this bunch up. It’s the “toss an inert object native to the random country we brought you to as close as you can to a target” challenge. In this case, the survivors will be tossing Lydia. No, seriously it’s an arrow being tossed using a Mayan weapon of some sort. Apparently, the original Mayans used the weapon to toss spears, but even Mark Burnett isn’t willing to trust Jamie and Judd’s medications to that extent. The reward is a clue to the immunity idol location. Also, the castaways will be ranked in order of their distance from the target and receive meals (best to worst) based on their performance.

ADVERTISEMENT

Judd goes first and practically hits a bullseye. The next few minutes are spent watching the castaways fling arrows and Probst hammer little stakes into the ground and measure distances. Yawn. None of the others can best Judd’s mark; Lydia doesn’t even get her arrow halfway to the target. Jamie going last finishes fourth. Then he tells Jiffy that because of his bad attitude he’d like to take the last place meal and move everybody else up. Personally, I wish he’d just pull an Osten. But Jiffy recognizes that a starving Jamie equals a cranky Jamie, and that’s about the only chance we’ll have any drama on this episode, so he quickly agrees and Jamie drops below even Lydia in the pecking order.

After a commercial, the castaways enter a set made up to look like a Mayan lodge. Judd gets his own private table filled with steak, lobster, and an open bar. The others line up to receive their meals as well. Steph receives the fourth place meal (a burger) that Jamie gave up. Jamie claims that nothing tastes better than his “self-respect,” which is good since that and some nuts is all he’s eating. Most of the other meals are pretty decent. Even Lydia gets a fish. Jeff then tells Judd he can invite two people to share his meal and dessert. Judd figures that if Bobby Jon and Steph were popular enough with the viewers to get called back for a second series, he should put himself in their camp and promptly gives the two even more time to whore it up for the cameras.

Steph, Bobby Jon, and Judd proceed to split their meals and get rip-roaring drunk. Gary glowers, missing his own days as a media star. Back at camp, Judd starts hugging all the other men and slaps Bobby Jon’s backside. Before this turns into soft-core gay porn, the editors mercifully turn the cameras away.

Bobby Jon, completely bombed, thinks he’s the Incredible Hulk and decides to move an ancient Mayan tree. Judd tries to help him and knocks himself on his butt. He then proceeds to turn the shelter into his own private porcelain god. This would probably annoy me a little, but I think the castaways are so used to Judd being smelly and annoying that they’ve become pretty numb to the whole thing.

Page Index: 1 2

Continue Reading >>>