Survivor: Guatemala - Episode 8 Summary

'Is Anyone Still Watching This Anyways?' By Draco Malfoy

Previously on… SURVIVOR: EL GUATEMALADOR:

Yatta! was covered in sores, but still managed to win the lamest Reward Challenge ever. Seriously, I think they ran out of challenge ideas about 3 seasons ago, but come on, tribes wrapping themselves in toilet paper? Then UNWRAPPING? Brilliant!

They get to go on a zip line through the forest, then eat lots of chocolate, as they play the next part of the RC: Find the Laxative! Later, Yatta! decides to go visit the Nakum tribe and rub it in their faces that they can poop again, and to invite Nakum over for a pool party. Yes, folks, it’s Survivor: The OC! But Nakum got the last laugh, digging up immunity despite the presence of the Stephenie Jinx on their team.

Yatta! goes to Tribal Council and Officer Owie finds herself the next bootee. But wait! There’s a Mark Burnett Patented Surprise Twist! (patent pending) After Officer Owie takes the Walk of Shame, Mr. Julie Berry throws everyone new buffs and tells them that they’re going to go to Nakum’s camp cause it’s merge time!

Cue the crappy theme music and montage featuring a bunch of people that EPMB decided we really didn’t need to know anything about anyways! Jim? Brianna? Morgan? Brooke? Who are these people? Were they really in the game? Where are my pants?

The BlueCam follows the remaining Yatta! team members to their new home at Nakum: Gary Hogenbloom (mispronunciation courtesy of Tom Landry), Bobby Jon Superstar, Danni the “Sports Talk Show Host” (read: she gets an hour on Sundays in an effort for her station to show that girls can do sports too), and Brandon, he of the crazy eyes and no personality. Everyone at the Nakum camp is sleeping, of course. It’s like early and stuff. Even the meeces and howler monkeys are sleeping. A brief shot of a crocodile/alligator (whichever one they get down there) shows that the tribes now smell so bad that even THEY don’t want to be around them. Gary shows us the strategic mind that made him such a successful NFL landscaper by saying that “we’re gonna play stupid, we’re gonna work hard, we’re gonna be their servants.” Way to show that winning edge, Gar. Bobby Jon Superstar reminds us how much he loves his former Ulong tribemate Steph by saying he can’t be around her for more than 5 minutes without throwing up, and that he can’t be around Jamie for 5 seconds without wanting to punch him. Oddly enough, I feel the same way.

Wake up everyone! Yatta! is coming and they’ve got new buffs! It’s merge time! Steph takes a long sniff of her nice clean buff, and Mark Burnett makes a note to try and get a Febreze sponsorship for next season.

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Day 72…

The next morning, Yatta!’s brilliant strategy continues to work wonders for them as they do all the work for their new (as yet unnamed) tribe. OMGWTFWAFFLES! Bobby Jon Superstar can actually make fire! If he coulda done that a few months ago, we might be hailing him as the Best. Survivor. Ever. instead of Steph. Danni whines that she feels like a slave. Well, DUH. That’s the strategery that you all agreed on, you dumb wench. BJ lets us know that when they got to their new home, Jamie, ever the gracious host, tells them that there’s no room left in the inn and that the former Yatta! tribe will have to sleep outside. BJ threatens to knock Jamie’s teeth slam out of his head. And then of course, we see the former Yatta! tribe members gathering tons and tons of wood. BJ for whatever reason seems to have hamburger patties growing out of his shoulders. Oh wait, those are his icky sores. Brandon tells us in confessional that this isn’t a dream, he’s made it 21 days, 3 weeks. Yup, he’s toast. Insert symbolic shots of Steph, Judd, and Jamie sitting away from the rest of the group, then of the merged tribe sitting on a pyramid with Yatta! sitting on the ground while Nakum sits on top.

Tree Mail time! Charla Lydia and Rafe bring a lovely little note back to camp.

You people are boring so here’s a new game
Ok we admit it, it’s kinda lame
Our kids made a statue in art class last week
We’d really appreciate it if you’d give it a peek.
But we can’t make it easy, oh no not us
If you can find it without any fuss
It’s extra immunity at any time
Until final four…
I’m sick of trying to rhyme.

Steph is in shock. She couldn’t win immunity her entire time on Palau and now she has 2 opportunities in one episode! Rafe, the rarest species of all, the gay Mormon, tells us that he’s going to make it his mission to find it. Jamie tells us that it’s 6 inches long, and even demonstrates for us, which shocks him to find out that he’s been lying to girls all this time. And it’s a mad dash for everyone to find the idol! Cindy looks inside the pyramid, and Lydia uses her short stature to look under everything. Gary lets us know that if he finds it he’s not gonna tell anyone. Yeah, cause he’s been so good at lying about who he really is. Brandon and BJ go look for it together. What are they gonna do if they both find it? Ro-sham-bo for it?

And the rain, rain, rain, came down, down, down…

… right in the middle of a tearful Survivor: Palau reunion, as BJ begs Steph for his life in this game. He doesn’t think he deserves to win any more than anyone else. All he wants is to make the jury this time. And as we know from previous Survivors, anyone who actually voices the desire to just make the jury gets their wish and never wins. Steph says that she’ll do everything in her power to keep him in the game as long as Brandon doesn’t win immunity. In other words, you’re not the first out of the merge, but you’re gonna be second. They hug and BJ vomits as the 5 minute time limit expires. We go to commercial with a shot of the mini-idol hiding in a tree. You know, if I was on Survivor and I had to look for something, I’d just start following the camera crew around. Cause sooner or later they’re gonna have to take some establishing shots of the thing, all you have to do is look in the direction they’re filming.

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