Survivor: Pearl Islands - Episode 4 Summary

'Even a Blind Squirrel Finds a Nut Sometimes' By Draco Malfoy

New and Not Really Improved Piratey Theme: Ee ah oh ee ah…brak brak brak…

Day 10 begins at the Morgan Tribe. Mother Nature has apparently gotten the idea that this may just be the WORST. TRIBE. EVER. and has decided to go all Noah on their ass and wash them away. MB shows us pelicans VULTURES (yeah, that’s it!) circling over the tribe. SYMBOLISM RULES! Macho Man Andrew Savage and Ryan-O are attempting to hold back the oncoming tide using Ryan-O’s enchanted claw shield. Because, you know, it would be too much work to move the shelter. Osten and Tijuana poke Darrah with a stick to see if she’s still alive. Andrew fills us in on the tribe’s situation. “Morale is low.” I think it’s odd how his facial hair hasn’t seemed to grow much since about Day 3. However, upon further review, I realize that MB has used the EXACT SAME CONFESSIONAL from Andrew in every episode. Guadalupe has to ask if the ants that have invaded their tribe are fire ants. Here’s an idea, hon, lay down on them and let them bite you. That’ll tell you, and it’ll be a lot more entertaining than what we’re watching right now. However, they do have food now! They discovered that they all had crabs during the night.

Meanwhile, at Club Med, there is Trouble In Paradise. Jonny Fairplay is whining that he is the only one doing any work. Except for Sandra. And ChristaMichelle. And BurtonErnie. And Shawna. And Rupert. And oh yeah, Trish. Speaking of BurtonErnie and Shawna, they immediately revert to high school mode, pointing out the flaws in the “less pretty” members of the tribe, specifically Rupert, who has developed an unfortunate case of plumber’s ass. Remember, kids. Crack kills. Of course Rupert, being the gentle giant that he is, rebuffs their jibes with a gentle “I’LL KILL YA!”

Reward Challenge time! This episode is going to be so exciting we don’t even get to hear the Tree/SeaMail. As Morgan walks in, Drake looks absolutely SHOCKED that they voted out yet another useful member of their tribe. I’m just amazed that Darrah is still able to walk, being clinically dead and all. You can hardly see the strings holding her up. Jiffy explains that it’s a puzzle challenge. It’s one of those kiddie tray puzzles, too. They can either swim out to get pieces or dig for them in the sand. Something for everyone. Their reward, in addition to the map piece and the opportunity to rub it in the losers’ faces looting of one item from their camp: a sewing machine, which is greeted with the same fake enthusiasm that you give your grandparents when they give you socks or pants for Christmas when you really wanted that new PlayStation 2 Sims game. You say thank you and quickly look for the present that looks like a DVD player.

ADVERTISEMENT

The teams start out OK, but hilarity quickly ensues when Matamoros, realizing that Darrah is now drawing flies and would be unable to compete, runs out into the water to get a puzzle piece. Unfortunately, she doesn’t remove the goggles from Darrah and as a result can see about as well as Ray Charles underwater. She finally gets banged in the shin by one of the pieces and brings it in. Drake is starting to get a lead, and so when you’re in a clinch, who’s the cat that won’t cop out when there’s danger all about? Shaft. But he’s not here, so instead we get Osten. Despite the fact that he can’t swim and there are plenty of puzzle pieces buried in the sand not two feet away from him, he runs gung ho into the water. However, he ate less than a half hour before swimming and begins cramping up. Listen to your parents, kids. Jiffy decides to let Osten struggle a minute before sending Ryan-O and Andrew out to rescue his worthless ass. In retrospect, it might have been better to float Darrah out there like driftwood and let Osten hang on to her in a very Titanic moment. Maybe we’d have gotten lucky and they’d both have been lost at sea. By this time, Drake has already finished their puzzle and already made an entire Armani suit with their reward. A small tear falls from Andrew’s face.

Drake sets out on their Holy Quest to find the buried treasure. However, they are quickly stymied by the fact that there is no large red X painted on the ground for them to dig up. Their clue tells them to find “The Devil’s Fork.” They manage to find the Devil’s Spoon, the Devil’s Knife, and the Devil’s Tea Cozy before a cameraman helpfully pans over to the Fork. They find their treasure and open it up, releasing the souls of the damned to unleash horrors upon this world. Sandra says that it smells like death. No, that’s just a spare script for Still Standing they used to line the chest with. Jon calls it a “ghetto Christmas”, and he’s almost right. But who’s the Santa Pimp? However, there are copious amounts of alcohol, which of course makes it more like MY Christmases growing up.

We interrupt this painful flashback to bring you a special advertisement from Team Joisey productions:

Hubo, I'b Christa Hastie. You bight bebeber be fwum Survivor, Bearl Iwands.
Back den, I bas habbing tewwibu pwabems wif my node.

My nostwooss were packed tighter den by twanspahwent udderware.
Mabbe becaws I was sniffin all da fine white sand on da beach,
or mabbe I'b awwergic to pewican.
Or mabbe it was aw da scar tissue in my sinuses from aw da dwugs I got on da innernet.
Bud now, I'b totowe kurd, tanks to Nasonex.
A foo goo snaughts evwee foo minutes, an my node is compweetwee kweer.
Twoo, I was doin a foo goo snaughts evwee foo minutes befo, but dis Nasonex
is wike Woto-Wooter, not dat Dwano I was sniffin in cawidge.
Pus, it won't skwew up yo bwain and make you a pwetenshus sudoinaweckshooal assho wike me.
So if you're a snuffl-ubugus, take it fum me, Big Buuwd.
Ass yu doctor,
aw yo dwug deewer,
about Nasonex.
It's gwate, and I eben wike da bottoo.
It's thin and taw an aw white, wif a pointy white top!
Juss wike my favorite cape.

Celebrity impersonation used for satire purposes only.
No endorsement of any product is implied or given.
Ask your doctor for details.
Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, irritability, and vision problems.
Consult a physician if symptoms persist more than 10 episodes.

Ok, I’m back. Mmmm… prozac. Anyways, Andrew and Ryan-O have gone into the jungle in search of fish. Because, you know, since they’re on a beach and fish are so hard to find there. Meanwhile, Trish goes to the Morgan tribe camp to rub it in their faces that they lost take an item from them. She ponders taking Darrah for a moment, thinking they could use her as a support post for their shelter, before settling on taking their lantern. Good for her. Less light at night means a greater chance that they’ll be eaten by a jungle predator.

Back at Club Med, Rupert shows us that Real Men Make New Skirts. Shawn shows us that Fake Men Laugh At Men Who Make New Skirts. The cameraman shows us an unnecessary closeup of Rupert’s foot. BurtonErnie and Shawn show us that they’ve learned a new word. “ROOP!” Yup, still one syllable.

Meanwhile, back in the Jungle, we get a very odd confessional from Andrew. It’s lit from below, and the camera appears to be pointed straight up his nose. “I just want to apologize to Ryan-O's mom, and Darrah's mom, and Osten’s mom, and Cozumel’s mom, and my mom, and Mark Burnett, and Jeff Probst, and anyone still watching. I am so sorry! Because it was my fault. I was the one who brought them here. I was the one that said "keep going south." I was the one who said that we were not lost. It was my fault, because it was my project. I am so scared! I don't know what's out there. We are going to die out here! I am so scared!” Ryan-O, however, tries to keep his cool, looking for the Sword of Omens to give him Sight Beyond Sight. All he comes up with is a spear, which he throws into the beach. A spear? All this time you’ve been b!tching about the fish hooks and you had a SPEAR? *bangs head against wall*

That night, BlueCam clues us in to a conversation between BurtonErnie and Rupert. BurtonErnie wants to throw the immunity challenge to get rid of Christa, who has run out of Kleenex and is now leaking snot all over the campsite. Rupert thinks he’s nuts but goes along with it. In a confessional, he tells us that in a pirate culture, BurtonErnie’d already be dead. We can only dream, Rupert…

The next morning, Jon tries his standup routine on the treasure chest containing the Sea-mail. The treasure chest is about as responsive as his usual audiences at this point.

We ran out of ideas two seasons ago
So back to Survivor 5 we will go.
Throw Osten in the water and let him drown
If we’re lucky we’ll be rid of half of you clowns.

It’s a chess-like maze that our Survivors have to cross, with a little wrestling thrown in there in hopes that one of the women will fall out of their tube tops while falling into the water. Despite the extreme physicality of the challenge, Drake sits out their two strongest member, BurtonErnie and Rupert. Jiffy asks them what the deal is, and Rupert says that there’s a rotation, everyone sits out at some point. Jiffy doesn’t buy it for a second. Because Drake isn’t really trying, Morgan actually wins immunity, with a CGI’d Darrah standing in for the departed real Darrah in the challenge, much in the same way John Wayne still appears in beer commercials years after his passing. BUT WAIT! There’s a Patented Survivor Kick In The Nuts Twist{c}! Jiffy announces that Morgan will be allowed to take one member of the losing tribe back to their camp with them. Morgan reveals that they’re only mostly stupid, taking Rupert, who might actually become a mentor to this troubled tribe.

Back at Club Med, there is Trouble In Paradise Again. Jon is drinking heavily and playing both sides against each other and hoping no one notices. He’s also doing his best impressions of pro wrestlers. Um Jon, if you’re built like Andy Kaufman, you shouldn’t pretend to be a pro wrestler. Unless, you are, in fact, Andy Kaufman. We go to Tribal Council with Shawn, BurtonErnie, and Michelle MaBelle voting for Christa, Christa, Trish, and Sandra voting for BurtonErnie, and Jon voting for Nature Boy Ric Flair.

Jeff sits down and rubs his eyes, unable to believe that Morgan isn’t there again. He asks Jon a question, and Jon responds with a bunch of gibberish. Jiffy astutely notes that Jon is loaded. No flies on you, are there Jeffro? He goes around the horn, letting BurtonErnie feel cocky about his chances before asking Jon how he’s going to vote. Jon says that he’s going to play spin the bottle to decide. “Is that really a respectful way to talk to me, you sonuvabitch?” Jeff says, with fire shooting from his eyes and steam escaping from his ears. At this point, MB steps in and tells the camera to shut off while they talk Jiffy back down to his happy place.

We vote. Christa votes BurtonErnie, BurtonErnie votes Christa, the other 4 women vote, and Jon votes for “Argle bargle gargleflast.” Jeff goes and tallies the votes, which is good because I really have to pee. No surprise, BurtonErnie is voted out. In his final words, BurtonErnie simply says, “Wha happen?”

Next week on Survivor: The Morgan Tribe sinks into the ocean. Hopefully.

Page Index: 1