Survivor: Pearl Islands - Episode 11 Summary

'Brutus, Won't You Be My Snake In The Grass Today?' By Devious Weasel

Previously on Survivor:

Hill and Renko meet again for the first time since their shooting; Esterhaus tries to avoid Grace Gardner, the new police decorator; two transfer officers get themselves into trouble; Belker pursues rapists in the park; and Furillo must deal with Fay's demands for more money and an impending Presidential visit.

Sorry, that was previously on Hill Street Blues. I’ll try again.

Previously on Survivor:

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Dave, Deena, Alex, Heidi, Christy, and Rob vote for Jenna, proving that Dave, Deena, Alex, Heidi, Christy, and Rob are the dumbest people ever to make the jury in Survivor. And don’t give me that Rob is the smartest person to not win Survivor carp. Rob’s constant flip-flopping at TC resulted in him casting a ton of votes for the wrong person. (I’ll name two. A vote for Christy at the first TC after the merge and the men have a 6-3 advantage. Think Richard or Brian would have passed that up? Not a chance. Or, having voted out men twice in a row to negate the advantage because of his Final 2 alliance with Deena, he turns around and betrays Deena for the chance to be the first person out of a Final Four alliance. Rob was a moron, but people loved him because he had a sense of humor. I’ll grant the sense of humor, but he was an idiot at the game. The only good thing about him being on All Star Survivor is that he will be the first person voted out of his tribe. Or else they’ll eat him. Either is good by me.) We also learned that Vee was such a complete waste as a Survivor winner that she couldn’t even hold onto the title of worst person to ever win Survivor for more than one season.

Okay, that wasn’t previously on this season of Survivor. But it was on the previous season of on Survivor. I’m getting closer, right? Besides, I really needed to vent. I’ll try one last time.

Previously on Survivor:

Christa cried over spilt fish. Jon and his pal Dan, aka the ambiguously gay duo, killed Jon’s grandma. Sandra and Christa decided to side with the person with the skills to win every challenge and boot the person with no demonstrable skills (though, to be fair, two very demonstrable assets). Six people are left, and another person will be voted out tonight.

Wow. I never saw that coming.

Before I get underway, I would like to thank the summary writers who have come before me this season for not riffing on Jimmy Buffet lyrics throughout their summaries. That had been my plan since I got the assignment.

Sadly, I no longer have the desire to go that route. Oh sure, I could say that Burton no longer has a pencil thin moustache. Or that Jon is certainly not the son of a son of a sailor. But my heart isn’t in it, and you, faithful reader, deserve better. So I won’t do it. I won’t even try. Maybe Fester will.

But I digress. I’m talking about myself, and you want to know about the ads.

Saturn commercial. The one with a much thinner Ron Jeremy telling the woman that he’s really tired. I bet he is. Toys ‘backward R’ Us, where Santa apparently shops. The Return of the King PS2 game joined with Pringles. Tylenol. Kay’s Diamonds, the official diamond of OT. Well, Diamond is the official diamond of OT. But you know what I mean. Or else you don’t. The British guy who made his own vacuum cleaner. An ad for the DVD release of the Rosetta Stone for Survivor Pearl Islands, Pirates of the Caribbean. And finally, a promo for Cold Cuts, some CBS show about bologna cops.

Day 31. Balboa. Thank God CBS let us know we were still at Balboa camp. Otherwise, I might think that overnight the entire remaining tribe had been flown to Rotu.

Christa now regrets trusting Jon the night before. This is not the first time a woman has woken up and regretted trusting Jon the night before. Christa states that Jon made an agreement to take her and Sandra to the Final Four. Jon is shown in confessional laughing about the fact that Christa keeps asking him to swear on his grandmother’s grave. He explains that he meant the NCAA Final Four, not the Survivor Pearl Islands Final Four. Sorry. Jon actually explains, once again, that “promises are like wicker furniture and fat women. Easily broken by Johnny Fairplay.” The fact that Jon tells us this in confessional TWICE tells us everything we need to know about Jon. The fact that Burnett has edited it into the show TWICE tells us everything we need to know about how Burnett feels about Jon.

Sandra and Darrah go out to collect one dry twig. Sandra has typically set her work goals high. Sandra tries to talk Darrah into siding with her to vote out the guys. Darrah in confessional realizes that everyone will try to talk her into siding with them, and that she plans to make up her mind later. With this confessional, Darrah has doubled the dialogue she has spoken in the entire season.

Next comes a shot of Burton swimming with sharks. Wait. Didn’t we have that episode already? Nevermind. There aren’t any actual sharks, just shark music. Speaking of sharks, did everyone wish Sharkie a Happy Birthday before Thanksgiving? Burton catches some fish, but before they can indulge in a Long John Silver’s Sting Ray platter Jon announces that they have sea mail. The mail says

For good food and good rest
You all now will strive
Oh by the way
Jon’s grandma’s alive

Okay, it didn’t say that. But wouldn’t that have been cool? Actually, the sea mail talks about a reward and getting wet, prompting Sandra to complain. Again.

Cut to the challenge beach. It’s a water obstacle course race between two three person teams. The teams will be chosen randomly. The reward is an overnight trip to a resort and spa. And the winning team gets their swimsuits.

The teams are chosen by reaching into a bag and grabbing a coin. There are three silver coins and three gold coins. The coins are numbered. After the draw, the teams are Sandra, Christa, and Burton vs. Darrah, Lil, and Jon. Sandra and Darrah are the first leg, the leg requiring the most swimming. The race begins, and Darrah kicks Sandra’s ass. In fact, Darrah, Lil, and Jon have completed the race, gone to the resort, spent the night, and come back to Balboa on Day 32 before Sandra completes her leg of the race. Okay. Not really. But it certainly isn’t the case, as Jeff keeps saying, that the race is close.

Because there is a great deal of diving involved, we are treated to the sight of Darrah and Christa’s blurred naked breastesses. However, any pleasure one might take in this sight is immediately offset by the pain of seeing Lil’s granny panties as they float around her when she is in the water. This, of course, is not blurred.

As mentioned, Darrah, Lil, and Jon get the overnight spa reward. They are taken to a boat, which takes them to a plane, which will be their transportation as they go to the spa. We, on the other hand, get to go to commercial.

A commercial for Honey, the Bobby Goldsboro story. McDonald’s dollar menu, for those people who find a $2.99 value meal too pricey. J.C. Penney, the greatest store ever, which you should all patronize and, when you are buying your merchandise, tell them that you shopped there because of the great print ads. Or just tell them Pooh sent you. Two ads for Advil. Verizon phones. UPS. A Joan of Arcadia promo.

We come back with sweeping, majestic music. Someone’s been searching through the licensed music catalogs again! The reward winners take to the air, exploring the Pearl Islands. Jon tells us that he is amazed at how big it all is. Given his early comment about wicker furniture, I imagine he’s said something like that before. The plane lands, and they are met by Khan and a midget. They are escorted to their cabin, and Lil comments that she is shocked to see herself in a mirror. She should imagine how we feel. They visit a masseuse, where Lil tells us that she had cucumber slices put on her eyes to help her skin. She adds that she would need a whole cucumber to make her skin feel better.

Insert your own joke here.

Darrah mentions that she feels sorry for Burton. What a nice way to set up a segue! Sandra and Christa are talking to Burton, telling him that Jon promised them that they would be in the Final 4 with Burton and Jon. Burton acts like he’s never heard of Jon, the Final 4, or even Survivor before. This torks Sandra off, but to be fair, Burton makes a statement that is among the truest statements ever made on the show. “The only time you know where someone stands” he says, “is when they vote at tribal council.” This talk is an eye opener for Christa. She now realizes that people are actually playing a game where everyone is out for themselves. People aren’t here to make friends, or have fun, but to get as far as they can and try to win. Imagine that!

Pardon me while I rant.

Every season, someone who has made it to the Final Six or Seven or Five says something like this. Where have these people been? Haven’t they bothered to watch the show? Now I know that these are incredibly useful people to have around. If I ever made it on Survivor, I would hope that I would have 15 of them out there with me. The Granny Jans of the world, the contestants who are shocked that they even made the show and are deliriously happy to come in third, are the best alliance members of all. But how can they still exist? If you aren’t there to win, why are you there? Say what you will about Jon, but at least he is there to win. Well, his first priority is obviously the self-promotion of Johnny Fairplay. But he would also like to win.

End rant.

Cut back to the resort, where Darrah, Lil, and Jon find silk pajamas. Lil says they put them on and then pranced around and showed them off. To no one’s surprise, the words “Jon” and “pranced” are not incompatible. The trio goes to supper, where Jon orders for everyone. Buffalo wings and tequila shooters for the house! No, Jon actually does a good job of ordering a good meal for all. Jon tells them he had to swear on his grandma’s grave, but adds that grandma will forgive him. They come back to the room where Jon and Darrah want to talk strategy, but Lil wants to jump on the bed. You heard me right. I won’t describe the sight, cause if I rewound the tape again and watched it one more time I’d have to gouge my eyes out. Jon tells Lil that people are worried about her, implying that she’s lazy. Or crazy. Or something. It’s hazy, because for once he doesn’t speak up. So she goes to bed, and Darrah and Jon talk all night.

Day 32. Balboa.

Burton and Christa are out looking for mussels to eat. Or muscles to eat. I can see it being either. Christa is worried about Darrah being able to win it all. After all, Darrah was a cheerleader. So she has that physical edge. Christa is now willing to stab Sandra in the back if she has to do so. I am convinced that Burton seriously thinks it would be a good idea to have Christa in the Final 4. He thinks it would be insurance in case Jon did something funny. Burton, it’s been twelve weeks now and Jon hasn’t done anything funny yet. I don’t think you need to worry.

Which brings us to the halfway point of the show. Jim, Dan, Deion, and Boomer come on to talk about the first half. Okay. I made that up. But wouldn’t it be cool? Except for the Deion part, that is?

Clairol, with twice the organic experience. Organic, people. Keep your minds out of the gutter. Target. Letterman. Generic CBS promo. Dan Rather. And now the time we’ve all been dreading, local ads. If I have to see John Kerry talking about his prostate cancer one more time, I’m going Elvis on my television. Thankfully, no presidential candidate ads. Instead, a promo for the Steve Alford show, Black and Decker, a used car dealer, Qwest, Allen’s Motors in Cedar Rapids, and local news.

We come back from break, and Darrah, Lil, and Jon are eating breakfast. Darrah and Jon are still plotting. Jon thinks he has Darrah conned. Darrah promises not to tell anyone that she and Jon talked. After all, that would involve talking herself, and we all know how much she likes to do that.

The group comes back from the reward, and Sandra asks to be told everything. So Jon does. Lil says in confessional that she wanted to downplay the reward, but Johnny Fairplay loves an audience. Burton comes out of the water saying “Jon, tell me you’re at least hungover.” I’m starting to actually like Burton. Burton and Jon go walking on the beach, and Jon tells Burton all that he planned with both Darrah and Lil. Jon tells Burton that Christa is next, but Burton feels bad about it. Jon tells Burton not to be friends. Burton says in confessional that he is the good cop to Jon’s bad cop. There hasn’t been a cop this bad since Harvey Keitel in the Bad Lieutenant. We end with Jon and Burton promising to be Final 2 together, and to go to the prom next spring.

Cut back to nighttime at camp. While the others sleep, Burton sits by the fire. A restless Lil comes over and sits by him. The shots of Lil through the night vision cameras are among the most disturbing footage ever shown on Survivor. Think Blair Witch combined with Mrs. Doubtfire combined with The Incredible Mr. Limpet. Considering how unflattering he always edits her, Burnett must hate Lil nearly as much as he hates Jon.

Burton tells Lil that he is not thinking as far ahead as Final 2. Lil goes all passive aggressive on him. Unfortunately, Burton doesn’t go medieval on her.

Day 33. Immunity challenge. Bet you never saw that coming, did you? Darrah gives up the cutlass to Jeff. You know, I had a friend in high school who drove a Cutlass. Anyway, we are going to be firing guns. Each survivor has three targets that they will shoot at with a musket that shoot flares. Christa, Lil, and Sandra are the first group of three. Jeff helps Christa aim, which must have worked cause she hits the target. Lil misses, as does Sandra. Sandra’s miss, if the editing is to be believed, prompts Burton and Jon to mock her. Mock her I say! Mock, mock, mock! Jon, Darrah, and Burton step up. Jon misses. Darrah does her best Granny Clampett impersonation and nails her target. Burton also gets his.

Second round. The shooters rotate. Sandra aims and misses. Christa hits. Lil misses, but somehow sets fire to camp. Burton steps up and misses. Jon shoots the beach. Darrah does her best Annie Oakley impersonation and pegs her target. (You Dan Savage fans will find a different interpretation to that sentence.)

Third round. Christa hits the wooden portion of the target but not the cloth. Lil and Sandra each hit their targets. Darrah does her best Lee Harvey Oswald impersonation and hits her final target, winning immunity again. As Jeff puts the immunity cutlass over her, Darrah smiles and I finally realize where I’ve seen her before. Darrah is the model for Sandy Cheeks! Spongebob would be so proud. But no time for that – we’ve got to sell something!

Stuck On You commercial. Not the one with the line I really like, but the short one. Kirstie Alley for Pier One – apparently Scientology means never having to skip a meal. An AT& T commercial. Canon. Red Lobster abuses a great Jesse Colin Young song. The Gap. CBS telling us not to miss the final 90 seconds of CSI – apparently we can miss the first 58 minutes and 30 seconds. I wish more shows were that accommodating to the busy lifestyle. Letterman again.

Christa tells us in confessional that she feels absolutely venerable. That or vulnerable. It’s hard to tell. Sandra and Christa try to talk Darrah into voting Burton off. Darrah tells them she’s voting Lil. She adds that Jon is telling Lil right now that Lil is going.

Cut to Jon and Lil on the beach. Lil is picking her teeth. Or her gums. Either way, it’s another unflattering Lil shot. Lil tells us that Jon told her Christa was going, but Lil says she’s still going to pack her shells tonight anyway. Somewhere, Granny Jan is smiling.

Tribal council. T and Ryno have big smiles as they walk in and see Darrah with immunity again. Well, T is definitely smiling about that. As for Ryno, on closer inspection it appears more likely that the Xanax has finally kicked in. Rupert is expressionless, though that will change soon.

Jeff asks Jon if the game is friendly, mean, competitive? Jon says it’s hope filled, in which you have to hope that you can believe people, hope that you can make it. As we all know, Hope is the thing with feathers. Jeff asks Burton if you have to lie to win. Burton says yes, and makes the point that Survivor is like any other competitive game in that you have to fake out the other team. Rupert rolls his eyes, and I’m betting that if Burton gets voted out he and Rupe aren’t going to have happy times at Loser Lodge. Christa says she’s lied a few times. Sandra says she would hate to go up against Lil, Lil says she is worried that the jury would decide based on who was nice. Christa mumbles something about it being an advantage that some people might not like her. Jeff asks them one by one if they trust their alliances, and everyone says yes.

Now is the time on Survivor when we vote.

We see Sandra voting for Lil. None of the other votes are shown now. Fortunately, Jeff is here to tally them. To no one’s surprise – okay, apparently to Christa’s surprise – Christa is voted out. Jeff sends the other’s back to camp.

By the way, am I the only one who was rooting for a Christa-Darrah Final Two? They would have had to use subtitles through the whole last half hour of the show. At least we have the possibility of Christa questioning Darrah to look forward to:

Christa: Mummph marbmmgle murphmmgh?

Darrah: Ey dinnnnt waynna tawwk so muyuch sos ey culd stawy unnnndar da raydaarrrrr.

Anyway, one last chance to sell some stuff.

Survivor party game. Paul Shaffer pimping for Radio Shack. A very disturbing ad from the anti-drug crowd. McDonald’s dollar menu, for those people who find a $2.99 value meal too pricey. Or did I make that joke already? An ad for the Canyonero. CBS news. Letterman. Laura San Giacomo on The Handler. You know, there is no television show in the history of television shows that can’t be improved with an appearance by Laura San Giacomo. Think of how crappy Just Shoot Me would have been without her on it.

Next time on Survivor: The guys are feeling cocky. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. The girls are getting fed up. Jon swears on his grandmother’s grave. Again.

But for now – deep thoughts with Christa Hastie:

Christa says “I wasn’t quite expecting to get voted off tonight. It’s really surprising to see how everybody out here fooled me at every moment of this entire game. But I’ve made really great friend Sandra and Rupert. Both of them have kept me happy this whole entire time. It’s been an adventure of a lifetime.” As she talks, we see the votes. Christa and Sandra vote for Lil. Burton, Jon, and Darrah vote for Christa. And Lil votes for someone named Krista.

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