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EPISODE SUMMARIES
Survivor: Pearl Islands - Episode 8 Summary'Shocking! And By 'Shocking' I Mean 'Absolutely Predictable'' By I_AM_HEDisclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Now that we’ve covered everyone and Darrah, let’s continue, shall we? Something entertaining actually happened. That it involved leaping over large carnivorous aquatic animals doesn’t really matter, does it? Anyway, Burton and Lillian are voted out of the Outcasts and into the game. Burton is welcomed back into Drake, but Lill is still shunned at Morgan. We merge. Burton wins the first Individual Immunity Challenge but gives it away to Rupert, and Lill gets her revenge on Evil Prince Andrew by voting with her new family. Who will be voted out tonight?!?! The excitement is killing me, and by excitement I mean boredom. Thankfully we get some commercials to break up the monotony. Tryptophan: the enzyme in Survivor which causes extreme sleepiness. Known antidotes for tryptophan: Trip to the bathroom. Trip to refrigerator. Trip to the headsman.
The Lion and the Lamb A pelican flies through a blood red sky. Rupert stokes the smoldering remains of Night 21’s fire while the others sleep. Fat Ryan is already wearing his blindfold for the firing squad. All he needs is a cigarette, and he’ll be ready to go. Then again, not smoking and sleeping may be the smartest thing he did tonight. Burning the Morgan shack down might have been an improvement; burning the Drake one down, not so much. Lillian is washing dishes, the only one save Good King Rupert up and working. She confesses that she feels great, and somewhere the likes of Keith, Frank, and Teresa are smiling. “Usually I have regrets stabbing someone in the back…” (usually Lill? Do you have much experience?) “…but this time I feel like I stood up for myself. I was no longer the Cincinnati Workhorse. I was Lill. It was just nice.” She gets a hug from Christa, and tells Rupert she has blossomed more in the last two days, with just a hug or a kind word, maybe a little Miracle-Gro, the types of things those sonsofbitches at Morgan never did. She tells him whatever they decide is fine, she’s with the team. Rupert says she’s the last Morgan out, because she’s a Drake, and if she can win immunity, he’ll vote a Drake out first. And if pigs could fly, he’d still have a shot at the million. Great strategy, Rupe, straight from the “How Not To Give People Incentive To Stick With You Handbook” by Lex Van Den Berghe and John Carroll. That old standby “I’LL KILL YOU!” might be more effective. Think about it, big guy. Rupert says she was the Lion that stood up to Savage, so she can stand up to anything (like you?!). Funny, considering she acts more like a sheep during the episode. Meanwhile, Fat Ryan mentions his tight bond with Andrew, sucking, and Lill switching to the other team. As in, Tribal Council last night sucked because Lill voted with the Drakes because she was pissed at Andrew, with whom he had an alliance. Get your minds out of the gutter. He realizes he’s next on the chopping block, and it sucks. Take a vidcap and hang it on the refrigerator, Mrs. Opray, it’s about the only time Ryan will get something right all episode. With Rupert on the shore in the background, Ryan begins trying to “strategize” with Burton, and I use the term loosely, because the guy’s about as subtle as a punch to the face. Ryan begins by asking if Burton and Lill have a pact. Burton says it’s more like they’ve shared the same experience, gone through the same thing, know what each other are feeling; you know, they’ve both been booted out, have walked a mile in each other’s shoes, and stuff, more than anything else. Definitely not an alliance, but he does have a bridge for sale. Detective Ryan, apparently satisfied with this answer, pursues a new tack. “You know the four of them are tight right?” Burton noncommittally says, “yeah.” And Ryan, “Cause Rupert sees you as a threat. You better watch it cause you’re on the chopping block.” “Yeah.” Ryan (in confessional): I approached Burton about how he feels about the Drake tribe. I said ‘hey man, they voted you out once, what makes you think they won’t do it again after I’m gone because you’re the next strongest.’ Next strongest? To whom? You? I think it’s time to unveil a new toy for this season: Ryan’s Hardly Intelligent Nonsense Output Meter, or RHINOmeter for short. The RHINO gives a soft *boing* at that last remark, but it’s just warming up, folks. He suggests to Burton that he can get Tijuana and Darrah if Burton can get Lillian and they can control their own destinies. *Boing* I can’t imagine why he might reject that magnanimous offer to become the minority partner in an alliance. Ryan then flashes a grin that’s more Short Bus than Cheshire Cat, confident in his clever manipulation of the game. *BOING* In confessional, Burton gives an assessment of the offer that’s not quite as concise as “Dumbass,” but not too far from it either. Ryan repeats two or three times that they’ve voted him out before, and that they welcomed him back, but the Morgans “welcomed” Lill back, and look what she did to them! The nerve! Lill, whom they voted out, turned on them, so the Drakes, whom Burton voted…oh wait, that analogy doesn’t work at all, does it? *boing* The Obligatory Bebo Appearance in a HE Summary Meanwhile, in EPMB’s secret volcano lair, producers monitor the scheming with interest. MB (steepling fingers): Eeeexcellent. Bebo takes a semi-automatic in each hand, does a backflip, and kills everyone in the room, in a scene reminiscent of Homer Simpson’s reinterpretation of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. She’s just that cool. 20,000 Millimeters Under the Sea Sunlight filters into the murky deep as Burton goes fishing. Bizarre sea monsters startled from their slumber hiss menacingly. On the ocean floor, Captain Burton senses movement. The sea bottom is stirred in a maelstrom of sand as he battles with the creature. He shoots his spear; its serpentine tail flicks violently in its death throes. Weary from the hunt but victorious, Burton returns to land. Burton plops the stingray onto the beach, and Lill the Lion keeps an eye out lest anyone should steal the ocean’s bounty. Rupert and Ryan come to investigate. It zaps Burton, who leaps up with a yelp. Burton: Stick your finger in those holes. Jon: Heh heh. You said “holes.” They then decide to grill up the stingray, and bad puns abound. “It’s shockingly good.” “A high-voltage meal.” Whenever Survivor finishes filming, I think they have bright futures as lame movie slogan writers. Ryan (crying): I can’t believe we’re eating Sammy the Stingray. Tijuana explains the abundance of food at Drake, which is “so not where I come from.” Which is why they had to strand Lill and Skinny Ryan out in the forest with just a slice of bread, whereupon they got lost because the pelicans always came and ate the crumbs before they could find their way back home. Rupert benevolently invites his Morgan slaves to dinner. He likes being able to fatten them up, because they are so emaciated, he says. A camera shot of Fat Ryan’s burgeoning midsection as he munches on a corner of the gingerbread shelter gives the lie to this statement. Fat Ryan periodically sticks Skinny Ryan’s finger bone out of his cage to fool King Rupert; little does he realize that in this version of the story, Gretel pushes Hansel into the oven. Reward Challenge Light up your crow’s nest If you wanted good Sea Mail Jiffy explains they will compete in three heats, shooting at plates on a mast that will release torches and eventually light the crow’s nest at the top. If they hit the targets out of order, they’re out of the game. The winner of each heat advances to the finals. First up are Darrah, Ryan, and Sandra. Burton, Rupert, and Jon in his support hose are up next. Jiffy: One more challenge Jon cannot finish. Rupert connects with his third straight shot and wins the second heat. The last heat is Tijuana, Lillian, and Christa. Jiffy: She’s gonna kill somebody! I’m getting a sinking feeling Jiffy has a crush on Dead Darrah like he did on Jenna, because Darrah’s performance was equally as bad as Christa’s, but he didn’t get on her about it. Tijuana connects. Lill evens things up. They both hit with their next shot, but don’t break the plates. Lill threatens it with some jujitsu, and it submits fearfully. The Lion lets out a roar of delight. T hits her second target twice before it finally breaks and she evens the score. Lillian wins the heat on the next shot. Jiffy: Cincinnati representin’! The final heat consists of Ryno, Lill, and Rupert. Jiffy explains that he can either take someone with him, or he can give the reward away and let that person take someone. Lill says, “Don’t do it Rupert,” while Beavis and Butthead tell him to give it away. Rupert decides to give it to Burton because he gave him immunity. A little late, Burton insists that he was kidding. Jiffy asks who he wants to take with him. Rupert: Take Lill. OR I’LL KILL YOU! Burton takes Lill. “I have no money to give you!” Lill jokes. Perhaps she doesn’t realize it’s not a full-service breakfast. Inspiring, uplifting, triumphant, warm fuzzy-inducing music plays as the survivors hug joyously. Aaaand…cut! Survivor: Pearl Islands is sponsored by Tide. Isn’t it ironic that this ad is run with an absolutely still ocean in the background? Master and Commander is “blazing” and “stirring” (not “shocking” or “high-voltage”?), but it ain’t got nothing on Rupert and Friends (the 8 other survivors, not those 6 people on that other network). So many knives, so few hands The island is on fire! Well, not literally, it’s the morning sun lighting up the fog hanging over the treetops, but maybe metaphorically, as conspiracy runs rampant. Burton is preparing for the boat to come and pick him and Lillian up for breakfast. He reflects on being voted out of the game and coming back to the same tribe. He’s pretending like he’s all for Drake, but that’s a bunch of…lies. In a not-so-good foreshadowing moment for Good King Rupert, he wakes up and comments, “Either I really slept late or everyone got up early.” You know what they say, if you get up on the wrong side of the bed, you can’t fool the worm. Back to Burton, he has no loyalty either to Drake, OR to Rupert, Sandra, and Christa. Since they’re not Drakes or anything, you know? Burton holds a powwow with Jon about his concern that they can’t beat or separate Rupert, Sandra, and Christa, and that they should consider taking Rupert out. “We’re crazy if we don’t,” Jon agrees, and a reptilian figure other than Jon privy to the scheming scurries into a log. “Would you tell Rupert?” Burton begins (don’t these people ever learn?), “or do you think we’d have to blindside him?” Jon says he thinks they’d have to blindside him, proving himself to be the smartest person on the island. I think that fact says all you need to know about this cast. They are afraid if they told him, he would lose it and KILL THEM. Jon, in confessional, says he’ll align with anyone that can help him. “He’s definitely my strongest ally in the game, and he’s the guy that I helped see get out of the game, so that’s pretty funny. Irony definitely plays a strong hand in this game.” I thought we’d get a lot more use of the RHINO on Jon this week, but again he proves himself to be quite astute. And, as Ryan will later point out, HE’S really one of the stars of the show (*boing*), so Jon didn’t get as much screen time as expected. Well, he has been rather quiet, but that’s because his care package of WWF action figures and Paris Hilton videos just arrived. Not-so-strange Bedfellows As Burton and Lillian head out to the boat, they discuss the need to break up Rupert, Sandra, and Christa. Lillian tells us she’s looking forward to talking, so someone can tell her what the heck is going on, even more than she is eating. The boat takes them out to a pristine shore, just sand and rock, untouched by man (except for the ten billion footprints of the crew that set everything up. Way to ruin a camera shot, guys). Under the gazebo erected in the middle of the area is a feast of every breakfast food you can imagine. Burton: This buffet was out of control. Things we haven’t even seen for three
Burt and Lill make a toast of bacon (strange but true) to the selfless Rupert. Lillian orgasms at every new delight, wipes the cream off her lips and then licks her fingers. Really. And I thought this wasn’t a full-service breakfast. Lill, who doesn’t drink, barters the champagne for the apple juice, and then marvels as Burton pops the top on the bubbly. I mean, I don’t drink either, but even I have watched Super Bowl Champs celebrate. Of course, she’s probably a Bengals fan, so maybe her ignorance on this matter is to be expected. Lill with her apple juice and Burt with his champagne make a toast to the Outcasts as they begin their plotting. Lill explains that they have a bond as the two Outcasts, and that she’s going to put everything that she has into him. And maybe if he drinks enough of that champagne, he’ll put everything he has into her. Burton says they have to get Rupert off RIGHT NOW (and by “RIGHT NOW” he means next week) because he’s the mastermind and has those two girls in his back pockets. And if Rupert wins immunity, they have to get rid of Christa. Umm, you tried that once already, Burton, and it got you booted. He instructs Lill to get Tijuana and Darrah on board and to make friends with Christa and then stab her in the back. Lill says she’s going to have a problem lying, and I’m not sure why he expects her to do his dirty work anyway, but come on. I’m sorry, I can’t make an alliance with you, I’m washing my hair tonight Back at Balboa, Sandra and Christa use washing each other’s hair as an excuse to do some plotting of their own. They discuss getting Lillian to help them vote out Rupert and Burton, or perhaps making an alliance with all five girls. They do feel some concern as R&B are the only two to bring any food from the ocean. Back on the land, Tijuana and Darrah are banging their machetes in time, either sending a message to their homeworld, or recording their new Jungle Rhythms CD. Sandra gathers them to go find a meal so they can survive without any men. Tijuana expresses surprise that the Drakes aren’t as tight as she had thought. She says Sandra and Christa are always discussing how they will survive if one of the men gets “hurt.” I think if Rupert was to get “hurt” they could go Donner Party on him and survive until Day 39. How do I explain that I’m wearing your underwear? Back at the Bed and Breakfast, Burton tells Lillian that he likes her, and that he wants her to wear his letter jacket. He promises that they are in it together and are going to go as far as they can. They decide to take Jon to the Final 3 with them and ditch him when they need to. Lill says she needs him to hand-feed her real easy (this is getting dangerously and/or sickeningly close to Pat/Hunter territory. If they break out the sunscreen, someone damn well better do their duty to God and their country and kill them both), and he says he’ll do everything he can to keep her in the game. Scout’s honor. Their pact sealed, they head back to the boat. Lill: So how are we going to explain all this? Cause well, she can call herself that just fine on her own. The (Nubian) Princess and the Pea(-brain) In another instance of the dreaded Symbolism of Doom, vultures sit in a tree eyeing Rupert as he cuts firewood with a tiny hatchet. Ryan watches over his shoulder like, well, a vulture. Jon and Burton are dragging more firewood to camp. Christa is doing Spring cleaning, dusting and beating the rugs. Tijuana and Darrah are lazing about in the shelter. Tijuana: I’m potentially going to fall asleep. Just giving you a heads up. Thanks for the warning, we wouldn’t have wanted to miss that most exciting moment of the week. Rupert glares at them and tells Christa he may just throw the fish in front of Tijuana and Darrah and tell them to clean and scale them if they want to eat. Christa confesses that the Morgans are very lazy and unmotivated. They just lay around and talk all day while the Drakes are collecting enough firewood to last through the winter. Meanwhile, the grasshoppers are still lounging around, but hey, it’s only noon. They joke about Tijuana’s strange pillow, which appears to be a bowl containing a giant licorice jellybean and ball of tinfoil. Tijuana confesses that the ants do entirely more work than is necessary. Ahhh, so it’s not that life at Morgan was so hard because they didn’t work, it’s just Drake has too much food because they work too hard. Gotcha. If one person is working, she says, everyone has to be working, and that just causes tension, because she doesn’t have the personal freedom to be who she is like she did at the Morgan tribe. Because nothing says personality like sitting around doing nothing. Lill, dragging a large log, proclaims “Now I know how Jesus felt.” No, Lill, if Jesus had had to deal with these losers, He would have carried a bigger cross. Immunity Challenge If your name is Ryan Collect five coconuts, Oh, look, it’s an uber-exciting quiz challenge. Spiffy Jiffy, sporting a Survivor hat (available at cbs.com), will ask difficult questions like “What letter comes after A?” (no, Christa, the answer is not “False”) and a correct answer will give the survivors the opportunity to place one of their coconuts in another’s coconut holder. Once a survivor has collected five coconuts, he’s out of the game. Clearly, MB has run out of exciting variations on the Coconut Chop Challenge. We learn some interesting facts about pirates such as: But if you’ve been watching Rupert the past eight weeks, you already knew all that. Anyway, you don’t need me to tell you that pirates have REAL ULTIMATE POWER! The first question: True or False? If a pirate set sail in search of pieces of eight, he’d be looking for a small island chain just off the Panamanian coast. The answer of course is “False;” pieces of eight are old Spanish coins. Tijuana, Lillian, Rupert, and Christa all get it right. Let’s fast forward ahead to the last question real quick. Rupert and Christa are the only ones left. And the question is: Which of the following terms is not something you would find in a pirate’s treasure chest? A. Doubloons, B. Pieces of Eight, or C. Dory. Apparently “old Spanish coins” don’t belong in a treasure chest, because Christa answers “B”. *boing* Rupert correctly answers “C. Dory,” which is a flat-bottomed fishing boat. We’ll rewind now for some more “action” from the challenge. All four who answered correctly, even Tijuana, place a coconut in Ryno’s bin. He pumps his fists and says, “I’m doing good!” *boing* Tijuana kills off Ryan on the next question, but he gets to take a shot before bowing out since he also answered correctly. He gives Christa her second coconut, and then trips over her coconut holder like a klutz. *boing* Lill and Darrah, the former Morgans, are the only ones unable to correctly identify Morgan as the answer to the question “Which explorer ransacked the city of Panama, leaving it burnt and in ruins, Drake or Morgan?” and Darrah is the second person eliminated from the challenge. In a rare moment of strategy, Lill uses her supposed unhappiness at Burton during breakfast as an excuse to give him a coconut. An instrument called a cat-of-nine-tails was most commonly used for: A. Cooking, B. Torture, or C. mending tools. Christa answers “D.” *boing* Burton eliminates Tijuana and tells her to take a seat, prompting Rupert to laugh like a hairy, demented child. Lillian eliminates Burton though, and T gets to tell him to sit down as well. Burton: Payback’s a b!tch, Lill. After the next question, Sandra explains her shot at Jon by saying “Jon knows the deal.” On the next question Jon fires back, and gets flipped off for his efforts. Sandra, though, goes after Rupert. Sandra: Since Rupert doesn’t have any…. He proceeds to give her a coconut and punch her arm off. He nice, the Rupert. On the next question, Sandra and Jon take each other out. Jon: You sank my battleship! (Yes, I know the battleship has four holes, not five. Shut up. “You sunk my carrier” isn’t as memorable anyway). Jon makes a three-pointer at the buzzer to beat Sandra. Rupert takes out Lill in much less exciting fashion. That brings us to the last question, which we’ve already seen, and Rupert wins immunity. Christa: My heart breaks. If I never again hear talk of Rupert putting out and slapping his sword, it’ll be too soon. Jiffy then says he’ll see them tonight at Tribal Council and they have the afternoon to think about what should be a very interesting vote. Either he’s lying about the “interesting” bit, or he’s been listening to Snewser too. While we’re at commercial, does anyone else think that Cat in the Hat movie looks creepy? No? Just me? Dance, Ryan, Dance! A flock of pelicans fly overhead as the castaways walk back to camp. There are only eight of them, which is a clear spoiler that someone will get voted out tonight. Ryan says he’s not a pessimist, but it will take a minor miracle for him to get back in this. He then uses a boxing analogy, saying he’s going to go down swinging, until he hears that bell. Frankly, I think the doctor should have called the fight on this guy in the last round. A crab scrabbling about on the shore mocks Ryan’s antics as he takes a walk with T and D, and explains how he’s been working Burton to go 5 on 4, and that they need to work on Lill. “They’d get smoked by us, and they wouldn’t even see it coming. It’d be perfect.” *boing* (not so much for stupidity as for delusion) Rupert and Jon discuss Ryan’s scrambling. Rupert says he’s trying to suck Burton in, but he told Burton that if he crossed him, “I’LL KILL YOU!” Rupert says he fears that Ryan could band Darrah and Tijuana, and maybe get Jon and Burton, to steamroll over him, Christa, Sandra, and Lill, and I’m forced to wonder why he didn’t offer her Final 4 instead of Final 6 if he felt she was so loyal. Christa and Jon strategize. She says she wants to get rid of Burton first, because he’s physically and mentally strong, and she doesn’t want him to win. Jon says Ryno is the least trustworthy, which takes Christa by surprise. He says they shouldn’t roll the dice. Scorpions and snakes creep about symbolically during these discussions. Burton joins the two and begins making fun of Ryno’s attempts to strategize. But Jon confesses that he and Burton realize how tight Rupert, Sandra, and Christa are, and that he’ll stab anyone in the back so long as it benefits him. Because you’d hate for it to benefit the person you were backstabbing. His voiceover as they leave for Tribal Council admonishes them that they shouldn’t trust him. Ohhh, who’s it gonna be? Will they vote out Christa since Rupert has immunity? Burton, like Christa wants? Jon because they find out he’s a snake? Tribal Council Jiffy begins by asking Lill the same damn question he asked her last time, and she answers the same damn way, about having a new family, finding herself laughing more, etc, which elicits a smile from Rupert and eye-rolling from Ryan. Christa is next on the hot seat, and is asked if she notices a difference in the work ethic. Phew, it’s a good thing you resisted that urge, Christa. This whole time Burton looks like he wishes he was wearing a lead apron to protect himself from the RHINO emissions. *boing*boing*boing* goes the RHINOmeter. Darrah gets two minutes to rebut. “Brak brak brak Morgan tribe brak brak joke around brak brak all get up and get firewood at the same time brak brak brak may not get it at the same time, but will eventually.” My first thought is how appropriate it is to have “Morgan tribe” and “joke” in the same sentence. My second thought is why do you mention how great it was at Morgan when you all went together and follow that with a complaint about Drake doing the same thing and that you want to do it on your own? What a good little grasshopper. *boing* Jiffy: Rupert, how has it been for you? The next question is for Burton about how the dynamics have changed with players reentering the game and with the merge. Obviously he hasn’t watched the tape from Morning 23. Burton says when he came back to Drake it was better than ever, they were all one big happy family and they love each other and trust each other and crap like that. He says there are more Drakes than Morgans so he thinks that causes some uneasiness. Jeez, B, wanna just yell “Scoreboard!” while you’re at it? Jiffy explains that the voting is different now because the people you vote out are now part of the jury and you’ll need their vote. Then he sends them to make their decision about whose ashes goes into the voting urn next. Rupert (votes Ryan): Wish you were on my team. I hate to KILL YOU, but it’s your time to go. Jiffy reads the votes: Ryan. Krista. Ryno. Ryno. Ryno. And the eighth person voted out of the tribe….Lillian. Haha, just kidding, it’s Ryan. I guess the moral to this story is “You Snews, you lose.” Ryan: Et tu, Darrah? Jiffy: The tribe has spoken. *snuff* Jiffy waxes philosophical about Tribal Council being where your actions sometimes come back to help you, sometimes to haunt you, but all of their actions will come into play from this point on. They’ve just voted out the first member of the jury. Ryan’s Final Words: Looks like I got snuffed out by the Drake tribe… (No, moron, you got snuffed out by EVERYONE *boing*) …I thought I’d go all the way. I wish Darrah and T a lot of luck, not so much Lill….You gotta remember one thing: I’m on the jury. (yeah, I’m sure that’s their biggest worry) Next time, on Survivor: Rupert goes eXtreme fishing and goes Gollum on us “We wants it! We wants the Precioussssss!” The tribe plots a mutiny. Burton: “The five of us have to stick together.” And Lill makes a decision that she regrets and finds comfort in Jon’s arms. Eww.
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